Advertiser Friendly Censorship

youtube4The free flow of information from Youtube content providers might be coming to an end; only partly, due to political correctness, but mainly due to the greed of all participants.

Just ahead of the long Labor Day weekend, Youtube began informing content providers that specific videos they have uploaded were demonetized because they violate the Youtube Terms of Service agreement. If the term “demonetization” doesn’t mean anything to you, allow me to explain by way of defining the opposite.

“Monetization” is the Holy Grail of all internet content producers.

It’s a badge of success for having the ability to generate a reasonably large amount of internet traffic. The content producer’s thoughts and ideas have a broad reach and enough resonance with an audience that people are willing to come back for more.

And a little cash in the producer’s pocket doesn’t hurt, either. As a matter of fact, some folks on Youtube manage to make a living from the cut of advertising dollars their content garners. It’s good work, if you can get it, but posting videos of a buddy and me kicking each other in the nuts seems like a weird way to make a buck.

Besides, my mind wanders into weird places and my vocabulary is entirely too colorful for polite company. Everyone is probably better off that I stick to the written word, where opportunities to edit and rephrase abound. Freedom of speech is great, but getting off a watch-list is a huge pain the ass that I’d rather not deal with.

Writers don’t often get in hot water for what they write. They get in trouble for what they say in interviews.

Luckily for me, I never jumped onto the Youtube bandwagon. I’m a homesteader with a writing problem. Despite owning a picturesque farm and possessing ruggedly handsome good looks, the content I produce doesn’t lend itself well to video. Writing weekly articles, producing novels, making sure the farm doesn’t go to hell, and holding down a regular job keep me busy enough that the thought of plastering my mug all over Youtube blathering on about God-knows-what-all makes me want to curl up into a ball with a bottle of single-malt and a bucket of ice.

youtube3Despite the foot stomping and cries of “censorship” from content providers, there hasn’t been a change in the Youtube Terms of Service. Rather, it’s a combination of Youtube informing content providers that the rules are being enforced and the hubris of the content providers themselves.

 In a similar dilemma, I’m giving serious consideration to abandoning Twitter entirely because I don’t see the return on effort expended as worth it.

Every piece of media produced, whether it be a movie, book, video, novel, article, etc., requires resources to both produce and deliver. Those of us silly enough to believe the things we produce have value to people outside our immediate circle of family and friends undertake the endeavors with varying levels of belief strangers will find out products sufficiently valuable that they will be compelled to reach into their wallets and hand over a couple of dollars.

Every writer, farmer, artist, craftsman, and storyteller since the beginning of time cherishes each laugh, gasp, ooh, and aah at what they produce. Unfortunately, those expressions of enjoyment suffer from a poor exchange rate.

Part of that springs from a generalized idea that everything on the internet should be free. No one is immune from the phenomenon. I’m just a guilty as you are.

Getting me to part with a dollar is as tough as convincing Hillary Clinton to send air cover to Benghazi.

Convincing people to unclench their fists from around their bankroll is never an easy task. Starbucks and Apple seem to have figured out that magic formula, but the vast majority of producers of ephemeral delights don’t have that sort of mojo.

The difficulty in getting people to part with their hard-earned ducketts is compounded when the product is not tangible. How exactly do you value words, sounds, and images?

The goal of radio and television has often been described as keeping the customers attention between blocks of advertisement. Youtube is no different. Neither is Facebook or WordPress (where you are very likely reading this) different. While I don’t receive monetary benefit from the ads you see at the bottom of the page, make no mistake they serve a purpose. That purpose is to cover the costs of delivering the “free” content.

Your mother was right. There is no free lunch.

Believe me when I say that I would happily take a piece of the advertising action, if I could deliver a big enough pool of readers who hang on my every word to quit my day job and concentrate of writing about homesteading full-time. Alas, I don’t.

youtube5While I pretty much suck at what I do, there is an elite strata of content producers who have managed to parlay their popularity into gainful employment. Some have attained their level of success for reasons that elude me, but ultimately, it comes down to eyeballs.

Folks who work in marketing departments probably have fancy words like “demographic reach” or some such made up term to describe the ability the convince a group of people to buy something.

With that in mind, I’m total open to saying your crappy product is the best there is or ever will be, as long as a check is included with the sample product.

Youtube is a refuge for content producers who are unable to marry into money, but are still gold-diggers at heart. Just like politics is Hollywood for the ugly, making a living on social media platforms is like a gentlemen’s club outside the gates of a Navy base.

It’s the very lowest end of a seedy industry with no real hopes of advancement, but it’s a rollicking good time while you’re there because the few rules in place aren’t really enforced.

By now, you may have asked yourself exactly why I care about any of this Youtube fiasco, since I’ve already admitted that I’m neither part of that producer community nor beneficiary of the advertising revenue stream.

Aside from envy due to my lack of success, I have a small dog in the fight. I aspire to make money using a similar model and frequently hold unpopular opinions, which in the marketplace of ideas seems to give license for all manner of personal attacks that have little to do with whatever issue is at hand.

I’ve been called a racist so often that I’ve started to believe there somewhere exists a mural of me and Nathan Bedford Forrest embracing, while David Duke stands in the background wearing a Klan robe, waving a Confederate battle flag, and curb-stomping Martin Luther King, Jr.

Youtube demonetizing videos has less to do with violating Terms of Service than it does with advertisers caring about their image. It’s tough to blame them. Advertisers are ultimately concerned with maximizing the sales of their product and won’t risk alienating any segment of the purchasing public, which is to say, anyone with a dollar in their pocket. Free speech has little to do with it.

youtube2Every time a celebrity gets in some sort of trouble, whether it’s Bill Cosby, Ryan Lochte, or R. Lee Ermy, their corporate sponsors are the first to abandon them. Advertisers are smart enough to understand that consumers aren’t very bright and seem to make sport of product boycotts for the most trivial of reasons.

How many millions of dollars in lost revenue or percentage of lost market share can the right viral boycott cost a Fortune 500 company? None are willing to find out for certain.

In an effort to make themselves attractive to the really big advertising money, Youtube is tightening its definition of “advertiser friendly.” The broad categories of what is not advertiser friendly don’t seem unreasonable:

  • Sexually suggestive content, including partial nudity and sexual humor.
  • Violence, including display of serious injury and events related to violent extremism.
  • Inappropriate language, including harassment, profanity and vulgar language.
  • Promotion of drugs and regulated substances, including selling, and, abuse of such items.
  • Controversial or sensitive subjects and events, including subjects related to war, political conflicts, natural disasters and tragedies; even if graphic imagery is not shown.

That’s easily half of the videos on Youtube, and taken broadly, means an awful lot of people will have videos demonetized, since I’m not even sure Disney content escapes this dragnet. Despite the screams of “censorship,” Youtube isn’t abridging anyone’s free speech. It’s not like they are refusing to bake gay wedding cakes.

Content providers can still post. They just might not get paid for their trouble, which for many of them takes away the incentive. If you make your living creating Youtube videos, Youtube kinda becomes your boss and has the ability to modify the work rules. Your other option is to leave, if the conditions are intolerable. Just as with a regular job, the balancing act becomes one of how much are you willing to give up versus how much you gain.

If you have a better offer, take it. Otherwise, suck it up and adapt to the new rules of engagement, buttercup.

Ultimately, the content providers will calm down from their tantrums and realize this is a good thing. After all the teeth gnashing, content providers who want to step up to the real advertising money will figure out how to play by the Big Boy rules. Those who want to keep doing their thing as always will have to pay a price for exercising their freedom.

Nobody ever said speaking your mind was free of consequences.

Youtube is not in the business of providing a platform for content providers to spout off anything that comes to mind. They are in the business of selling as many ads as they can for the highest price possible. Any content that frustrates that goal will not be rewarded.




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Social Media Fatwas

Gallows1The power of words continues to amaze me. As a writer, really a story teller at heart, the power of certain words in the right order and context is something I should have committed to memory as triggers for violent responses by now, but I haven’t. Provoking someone into temporary insanity is not typically my intent, but it sure is fun to watch someone turn purple and see the spittle fly while talking. The urge to grab the hot-wire on an electric fence is something that has stayed with me from my youth.

Either I’m not terribly bright, some sort of masochist, or just have a need to stir up trouble. It’s quite possibly a combination of all three.

Challenging authority is about the closest I get to having fun most days. I’m not talking about slapping a cop and trying to outrun him or anything silly like that. That’s just a losing proposition all the way around.

BullyThe authorities of the world whose noses I like to tweak are the finger-wagging, self-appointed sort; the ones who enjoy issuing scolding comments such as “That’s not funny, Carlos” and the more sinister “Anonymous is watching,” followed by copying me on a snitching e-mail to the CEO of a social media platform, the Director of the FBI, and the President of the United States demanding my account be deleted and I be investigated on hate crime charges.

I shit you not. This has happened more than once.

It’s funny how people stop laughing at your jokes when you go after their favorite sacred cow.

Hell, it says “Gallows Humorist” right there in the biography blurb at the top of the page. Don’t you own a dictionary? Kittens and rainbows aren’t my style. I’m upfront about who and what I am, so if I’m not your brand of whiskey, my advice would be to find that little button that says “unfriend” and move on with life.

1cryingbabyAs a writer dependent on other people coming to read what I write, the best way in the world to hurt me is to ignore me.

By the way, if you want to see the really dark side of my sense of humor, come on over and follow me on Tsu, where I post more content than either my Facebook profile or page.

I have always liked a good fight, and punching up is the best way to get one. Otherwise, it’s just being a bully. All through school, my favorite activity in class was to ask the teacher a question I was reasonably certain he didn’t know the answer to. God help any History professor who gave a hint of knowing less about a given topic than I did. I can sense weakness, and that’s when I would pounce.

1526598_10202809029686590_400593032_nPerhaps I would have had more respect for the teaching profession and those who filled its ranks had they the stones to admit their lack of knowledge on a specific topic. Up and down the line, all the way through Graduate School, it was a rare duck willing to admit ignorance despite demanding it from the pupils. I tried pulling my crap with Hall Heffelfinger exactly once.

The older I grow, the more frequently I find myself disagreeing with his historical analysis, but to Hal’s credit, he was one of the precious few who would say, “I’m not familiar with that. Give me the five second version,” instead of telling me to shut up because I was disrupting the lesson plan.

Here’s a hint for instructors of any subject. Nobody gives a shit about your meticulously timed and robotically delivered lecture. You should be thrilled to have students who go outside the assigned reading and come prepared with curve balls to throw.

If you treat your teaching career like batting practice, don’t be surprised when some kid who takes the game seriously comes along and makes you look like the bush leaguer you are.

Speaking of bush leaguers, I have fallen out of love with Megyn Kelly of Fox News after her little spat with Donald Trump.

MegynIf you didn’t watch the Republican debate, Kelly came out swinging on Trump’s first question demanding Trump prove he was not a misogynist. In the course of a fairly pat answer, Trump ad libbed a line about Megyn Kelly not treating him very well with the nature of the question.

The last guy who should expect or complain about not getting fair treatment is Donald Trump. The circle he has operated in over the past quarter century is rife with absolute (figurative) killers who keep women like Megyn Kelly as concubines and make the politicians who shared the stage with Trump look like boy scouts. Hell, Trump owns half the politicians that were on that stage, and the other half owe him favors. Trump’s a brawler among a bunch of talkers, which goes a long way to explaining his frequent inarticulateness.

Watching Trump at the debate was like watching my grandfather when all six of his daughters came over for the holidays. The poor man couldn’t get a complete sentence out before those yammering broads descended on him.

Donald_TrumpAt least one reporter agreed with Trump and me that the question was remarkable enough to ask about it the next day. Trump pretty much said Megyn Kelly was bitchy with him because she was on her period. Honestly, I hope he’s right because the alternative is that the darling of Fox News and Conservative media is turning to the dark side by asking feminist-inspired “gotcha” questions that have no right answer. Kelly might as well have well asked, “Mr. Trump, do you still beat your wife?”

Megyn Kelly is supposed to be this hard-bitten chick who can hold her own with any man. If she can’t take the occasional punch to the ovaries, she has no business being in the ring. And in what may or may not be a terrible coincidence, Kelly is taking a couple weeks off. Whether this vacation has been planned for months, as the Fox News camp claims, it still comes off looking like Megyn Kelly had to take some time off work to brush the sand out of her vagina.

If you feminist gals want to play with the big boys, you should be prepared to take one on the chin occasionally and not run off crying to your mother.

Don’t expect to find a baby shower at a boxing match. And certainly, don’t be upset to find two men beating the Hell out of each other when you get there.

If you find what I write or post on social media to be beyond your personal taste, whether that be racist, sexist, xenophobic, homophobic, uncouth, or whatever is offensive today, save yourself some effort and go patronize some other content outlet you find more acceptable. Call me an “asshole” on the way out the door, if it makes you feel better.

I send a dollar to a starving child in Zimbabwe each time someone calls me a name. I’ve been promised a lion hunt, if I reach one hundred thousand. Even the smallest donation helps fill little M’kimbe’s distended belly.

There is no end of people vying for your reading attention who post positive affirmations, pictures of kittens, and say “Namaste” to each other. That and Al Gore is pretty much what built the internet. I’m sure they’d love to have you stop by after declaring you will never read my stuff again.

Don’t forget to unfollow me, unfriend me, and block me as you leave. I’d also suggest deleting me from your browser history so you never have to risk seeing my drivel again.

JihadForDummiesIf you absolutely feel the need to declare a fatwa and mount a social media jihad against me, I say “Thank you” for two reasons. First, each person you induce to come by and heap scorn upon what I create is simply another set of eyeballs to drive up the website statistics. Secondly, your friends like what I have to say more than you do and are converted to fans at a far higher rate than you imagine.

So, please, let the hatred flow through you and onto me.

Unlike Megyn Kelly and the humorless “Namaste Mafia” faction of Liberals (and believe me, they are Liberals whether they realize it or not), I can take a punch to the face pretty well.

Pick the Right Victim for Excusable Hate Crimes

2ConfederateFlagLast week’s headline blared “Men videotaped placing Confederate flag on church doorstep.” Two unknown men were captured on surveillance video placing a Confederate flag on the doorstep of Ebenezer Baptist Church, at one time headed by Martin Luther King, in Atlanta, Georgia. From the size of the font used, the story placement on the front page, and the number of exclamation points at the end, this surely had to be the most important news story of my lifetime, and quite possibly since the crucifixion of Jesus.

For perspective, the New York Times only used three exclamation points in its headline the day we declared war on Germany for bombing Pearl Harbor.

I devoured what was surely the most important piece of news that day desirous of details. The flag must have been accompanied by a burning cross and racist graffiti all over the place. Perhaps there was a black man hung in effigy in a nearby tree. These hardened criminal racists surely left a trail of black orphans and raped black women in their wake both to and from the scene of the crime. I absolutely had to know the details of what my black brothers and sisters were suffering at the hands of the Confederate bigots.

1ConfederatFlagThere was none of that shit going on according to the news article. Judging by the photo that accompanied the article, the Confederate battle flag in question was about the size of a cafeteria tray place-mat, and made of the same sort of paper. It struck me as no more a flag, in the conventional sense, than the tablecloth and napkins printed with the American flag at Independence Day celebrations all around the country last month. Come to think of it, this “flag” may very well have been leftover decorations.

The flag hadn’t even been set on fire, which much like burning a cross is counter-intuitive at first blush, but gets the point across.

The writer of the article was ecstatic that the act of vandalism had been captured on videotape.

Wait a second. Vandalism? There was no property damaged, which the last time I checked was an element of the crime. If this was vandalism, I should be able to arrest Jehovah’s Witnesses when they leave a copy of Watchtower at my front door.

3ConfederateFlagBut since Atlanta proper is a modern-day Democrat plantation, the Liberals that run the place simply won’t tolerate anything that threatens their source of power; a compliant populace willing to hand over their freedoms and children’s’ futures in the form of votes in order to suckle at the teat of government largess.

Atlanta authorities are scouring every law library within reach of the Find Law website and consulting with any Prosecutor who will answer the phone for a law that can be charged. They’re pretty confident they will either find one or be able to conjure a law out of the air because the police are actively looking for these guys.

Think about that for a second. Police are using up resources hunting down two men for something they are not even sure is a crime.

What’s the radio call going to sound like when they find these guys? “I’m on a vehicle stop of two white males for Driving While Confederate”? Where is the ACLU when you need them?

BigDaddyNot only are the Atlanta Police burning through public money on a politically motivated witch-hunt to trump up charges, they have reached out to Big Daddy, the Federal Plantation owner, for help. Every federal agency, with the possible exception of the Environmental Protection Agency, is beating their lawyers with sticks to find something (anything) chargeable in this caper.

If the authorities had been so lucky as to have the two suspects set the flag on fire, maybe the EPA could have gotten involved on a pollution beef. Because we all know that every campfire, insurance fraud torch job and lighter struck to smoke a cigarette is a thinly veiled reference to a lynched Negro set aflame.

Isn’t that the way it works, now?

Short of confessions coerced out of the two “vandals” with threats of unconstitutionally long stints in pound-you-in-the-ass prison surrounded by a population with a decidedly negative view of the Confederate flag and one of them turning snitch on the other to save himself the worst of the situation for committing the same act Domino’s Pizza perpetrates against me twice a week by hanging unwanted coupons on my screen door, I don’t see a whole lot of charges, much less solid convictions, coming out of this fiasco.

At absolute worst, these two committed vandalism, but you can rest assured this will somehow become a federal case because Georgia does not have hate crime laws.

images (61)Meanwhile, real hate crimes with real victims continue to go uninvestigated and unprosecuted because defacing a public monument, grave desecration, theft, home invasion, and attempted murder are perfectly acceptable, and encouraged, forms of social protest that are constitutionally protected speech. Assuming the perpetrator selects an acceptable victim.

Confederate-Flag-Vandalism-Were the authorities unbiased, honest with themselves, and actual persons of conscience, they would publicly admit the worst crimes chargeable in this situation are littering and possibly trespass, which is arguable since the Memories Pizza incident, several instances of Christians forced to bake gay wedding cakes, and a Supreme Court seemingly intent on compelling churches to marry whomsoever presents themselves have taught us anything, churches are essentially public accommodations, on par with restaurants and motels, that lack the standing to refuse service to anyone.

Who could really use some sanctuary from persecution and hate crimes is Walter Palmer, the Minnesota dentist who shot Cecil the Lion.

141202150915-lion-exlarge-169This poor bastard, regardless of the legality of his hunt, has been subjected to harassment and death threats largely by people too cultured and refined to kill an animal themselves, and who most certainly don’t live in Zimbabwe.

Dr. Palmer is about as popular as Al Sharpton at a Merle Haggard concert in his hometown. In addition to flower festooned and stuffed lion appointed memorials left in front of his dental office, he has been the recipient of death threats, had the business he built over decades virtually destroyed, and has had celebrities tweet his home address, presumably with the intent of encouraging further harassment of him and his family. I’m still waiting for someone to put forward any other possible explanation for Mia Farrow doing this.

Cecil and cubsBetween stuffed lions, flowers, and disparaging signs left in front of Walter Palmer’s dental office, isn’t there something in there that Minnesota officials can base a hate crime prosecution on? Or how about Florida cops doing their jobs and tracking down whoever spray painted “Lion Killer” on the garage door of Dr. Palmer’s vacation home and scattered severed pigs feet on the driveway?

So, let me see if I have this straight. White men littering in front of a black church equals hate crime. Unpopular white man is harassed into hiding for fear of his and his family’s life equals rich, white Liberals like Mia Farrow, and her public supporter Bob Barker, materially contributing to and encouraging people to carry out publically proclaimed death threats.

Roger that. And I’m the nutty one for believing in Open Carry.

MiaDoes anyone besides me see the hypocrisy this cunt embodies? Just like the only slightly less cunty, overly sensitive, race baiters pushing for hate crime prosecution in the Ebenezer Church Confederate flag litter caper, Mia Farrow would have every cop on the planet involved in the manhunt, if someone published her home address.

Celebrities have a well-founded desire to protect their sensitive and personally identifiable information; just like you, me, and Eddie the Garbage Man. The difference between us and the celebrities is they sought out their notoriety by the nature of the career they pursued. I doubt Walter Palmer became a dentist for fame and public adulation. Most days, the last person I want to see is my dentist. It’s not a career choice for attention seekers.

3PalmerOfficeMy wild-ass theory is the vitriol directed at Dr. Palmer has absolutely nothing to do with Cecil the Lion’s death. Much like the Democrat Party and Liberals’ dismissal of Donald Trump’s presidential candidacy and their hatred of anyone or anything Confederate, the abuse to which Dr. Palmer has been subjected is the result of class hatred.

The reported cost of the hunt that included killing Cecil the Lion was $55,000. Even if that included air travel, lodging, local transportation, etc, it was one pricey hunting trip. Far in excess of the prices I have seen advertised in the backs of hunting magazines and well beyond the check writing ability of this particular Portagee.

I don’t know what sort of man Dr. Palmer is, but what I do know is that he has some financial wherewithal. I’m sure dental school wasn’t cheap. And even if mom and dad footed that bill for him, establishing and maintaining a successful dental practice is no small feat.

4PalmerOfficeI’ve known three doctors and two dentists socially in my life. To a man, they have the same complaints as any entrepreneur; hellacious hours, disproportionate risk compared to being an employee, onerous government regulation, under-skilled/unmotivated/self-entitled employees, and crippling insurance costs.

You would be absolutely astounded at just how little money the average doctor in private practice takes home after paying crushing student loans, exorbitant malpractice insurance, and the costs associated with the actual practice of his profession.

One of the dentists, who was literally old enough to be and is now equally as dead as my grandfather, commented that the only reason he still practiced was he loved the actual work of dentistry. Otherwise, he would have folded up shop a decade ago.

One of the doctors commented he would have been better off as a welder. He’s still alive and practicing, as far as I know, but he might have wised up and taken night courses in metallurgy at the local community college. Thanks for destroying our healthcare system further, Obamacare.

If Walter Palmer has the price of a Ford F-350 King Ranch laying around to drop on an African hunting trip, he’s doing something right because I sure as Hell don’t.

And that fact absolutely infuriates many of those who don’t have that kind of coin jingling in their pocket. Plenty of celebrities, politicians, and other successful folks piling onto Dr. Palmer have the bank account to engage in an African hunt, so when I “class,” I’m not really talking about money. What I’m talking about is a political class.

2PalmerOfficeThe most vocal critics of Walter Palmer are the same sorts who fail to understand the essence of tolerance as putting up with something you dislike or disapprove of. Rather, these hypocrites see tolerance as a one-way street leading directly to all the things they like while at the same time criminalizing things they disapprove of. Liberals are the worst offenders, but Conservatives, Republicans, Independents, and even Libertarians have their share of adherents who would gladly engage in some forms of rights limiting in the name of the greater good.

Everyone kinkier than I am is perverted.

Everyone is their own standard for what is right and morally acceptable. Perhaps I need a wider circle of friends, but I’m the only person I know willing to admit to being a nut job. Hell, even Alex Jones thinks he is the absolute definition of normal and reasonable.

1PlamerOfficeThe problem comes when a society begins to let the abnormal dictate what is normal. For example, I would be a terrible choice for any elected office. The dystopian nightmare Liberals howl about at every opportunity would be thenceforth known to them as “before Carlos really got going.”

Imagine if Donald Trump and Vladimir Putin had a bastard child that was raised by Korean Catholic nuns, trophy hunted the African Big Five, and rode an unvaccinated grizzly bear around while wearing a Confederate battle flag as a cape.

That’s the kind of guy you’d get by scribbling my name into the write-in portion of your ballot.

Little NikkiWe have elevated the whiners and the crybabies of American society into politically powerful positions where they can exact revenge for being tossed into trashcans or pushed into lockers during middle school. Since I was neither a bully nor bullied in school, why must I wear the punitive yoke foisted by conniving, power-drunk weaklings who should be working through their issues with therapists rather than entering government service?

Nikki Haley, I am looking directly at you for your comments about your hurt feelings regarding turbans, saris, and being brown. Perhaps you should have held off on seeking public office in favor of assimilating into your new culture.

A big part of the return-to-high-school mentality has not only been the pussification of America, but the outright hatred that is acceptable to be piled onto those who do not want to drink the Estrogen Kool Aid. It’s something straight out of the movie Mean Girls.

There are actually people who advocate Walter Palmer be punished to the extent of losing his business, his home, his ability to make a living, and even be tortured to death. All for killing a lion virtually no one outside of Zimbabwe knew existed prior to last week.

These same sort people in power, who also largely don’t know the difference between the Confederate battle and national flags, are also willing to allow true hate crimes against an unpopular minority to go uninvestigated and unprosecuted.

images (62)If you are part of a popular and vocal minority, such as blacks, LGBT, Latinos, illegal immigrants, etc, you can rest assured the slightest of perceived transgressions will have the full weight of the local, state, and federal government brought to bear, and those who sullied your honor will punished to extents and in ways that render the Constitution meaningless. Assuming you spout the Liberal party line, deliver your vote, and think the way you’re told to think.

The rest y’all just shit outta luck.

Hashtags are the Devil

What do Michael Brown, Walter Scott, and Dylann Roof have in common? Wildly popular hashtags.

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I’ve whined before that social media might be the death of my novel, L’homme Theroux (due for reissue soon and much improved with lessons learned), but the same social media that is a wonder of communication and dissemination of cat photos has shown its dark side again.

Like a good Bowie knife, social media has a wickedly sharp top edge that will catch the unaware. I’ve managed to build my readership to a whopping fourteen fans, not counting relatives, via social media from an exceedingly remote location. As recently as ten years ago, this would have been an gargantuan task, and it was not even a remote possibility back when I first started writing for my middle school newsletter.

Now, through the magic of the internet, the entire world can nitpick my spelling, second-guess my word choice, and assume my education is lacking because I consider the rules of grammar to be really more suggestions; just like speed limits, “Firearms Prohibited” signs, and Blood Alcohol Content readings.

The dangerous part of social media, aside from its tendency to destroy deadlines and make time disappear faster than birthday cake at Melissa McCarthy’s house, is its ability to influence human behavior.

The whole Arab Spring, which historians will look back on one hundred years from now as trading one set of maniacal assholes for an even crazier set which accomplished nothing of substance or lasting improvement, was created and driven largely by amateur journalists who were boots on the ground doing jobs Americans wouldn’t do.

brian-williams-memeIt used to be that war correspondents needed the backing of a large news organization if they wanted to lie about being shot at in a helicopter. Or you had to be First Lady. Take your pick.

Now, anybody with an iPhone and a satellite signal can capture video, add their personal bias, and disseminate it to literally every person in the world in a matter of minutes. This is unprecedented. There are people who live in mud huts, wouldn’t know a commode if you showed them one, and still believe Elvis is alive, but damn it, they’ve seen the latest ISIS beheading video on Youtube.

These same people also practice slavery, believe in child marriage, and fuck their livestock, but they are just misunderstood. You’re a racist, if you disagree. White privilege!

On a side note, I’ve come to the realization that the charge of “white privilege,” which is the second most common Liberal mating call after any protest chant containing the word “Bush,” is really verbal shorthand for “I feel massively guilty for knowing my father and having the ability to say, ‘Thanks for the warning, Officer.'”

With a cellphone and a willingness to have your head split open, potentially no event can go unmemorialized. Every poorly chosen word and flare of temper can be taken out of context, microscopically analyzed, slanted, and repeated over and over until it becomes the popular narrative. From there, it becomes fact with which to manipulate.

images (24)Those too lazy to work, but ambitious enough to steal, are induced to riot. Those too apathetic to offer substantive assistance, but concerned enough to click a “like” button, make buffoons of themselves with gestures for actions that are provably false. Those too occupied wallowing in their victimhood, but sensing a long awaited opportunity to wreck revenge for the sins of the great-great-grandfather, terrorize the innocent and destroy their property.

images (27)When Trayvon Martin was killed, President Obama nearly cried and declared “this could have been my son.” He promised to ensure that “justice is done” when Michael Brown was shot. Freddie Gray was cause for soul searching, according to the President. The Walter Scott shooting was immediately elevated to a Federal case for the eventuality of Michael Slager being cleared and…well, because he’s a white cop who shot a black, fleeing felon which is the very definition of racism to Liberals.

burningPresident Obama even shed crocodile tears at the press conference for victims of the Mother Emanuel Church massacred by Dylann Roof and whined like a spoiled teenager that if Sandy Hook would not induce Americans to freely surrender their God-given rights, he just…like…Oh, my gosh, didn’t know what it was going to take.

The President’s refusal to prosecute the (legally speaking) minor crimes of petty theft and vandalism directed at Confederate flags and their owners as the hate crimes they are proves that not only is justice not blind, but that it sees in Technicolor.

If I tweeted a photo of me wiping my ass with the Gay Pride flag, the duration of my continued freedom would be measured in minutes.

images (62)You know who definitely isn’t free to walk the earth right now? Kathryn Steinle.

Kathryn Steinle was allegedly shot and killed by an allegedly illegal Mexican immigrant allegedly released by alleged Federal agents allegedly ignoring an alleged request to detain from another jurisdiction…Allegedly.

Obama’s. Silence. Is. Deafening.

Feel free to leave your theory as to why in the comment section below. If you’re not too mean to me, I’ll hook you up with a fee electronic copy of my novel, L’homme Theroux.

On average, I’ve been called a racist about every two and a half hours over the past month. I suspect I’m doing something right. Not so much because I enjoy having venom spat at me (even though it’s kinda tasty in sweet tea), but because I’m a bit of a sadist. Watching smug Liberals come positively unglued is both entertainment and a piece of performance art I get to experience for free.

no-flagging-challengeThe second edge of the social media sword is the phenomenon of #noflagginchallenge where morally outraged petty criminals put on their best tough-guy swagger for the camera and steal a Confederate battle flag, often having violated private property boundaries to add to the machismo.

Please do not call me to jury duty when one of these brave, young foot soldiers for social justice picks the wrong redneck to fuck with. There will literally be no way a prosecutor can prove that case to me.

I’m not such a wild-eyed nut job that I lack an understanding of the need to prioritize. Foiling terrorist plots and prosecution of murders certainly take precedence over theft of what is in essence a piece of cloth or some paint on a chunk of stone.

Though important symbols they may be, you will not find me leaving cover to retrieve a fallen flag under fire. Call me a coward, if you like, but life is precious and not to be risked for a piece of kit.

The men on both sides of the War of Northern Aggression who picked up fallen standards, knowing full well it was a probable death sentence, did so not because of what the flag meant so much, but for its function. The Napoleonic tactics of the time required a visual reference for effective Command and Control.

00000001Any highly visible object would have sufficed, but since armies already have flags and nobody in his right mind wants to hump around more gear than necessary, the flag makes sense. A fallen flag quite literally meant disarray and staggering loss of additional life, which was the reason for adding the red stripe to the third iteration of the Confederate national flag. To intentionally misquote from George C Scott in the movie Patton, “war isn’t about dying for your flag. It’s about making some other poor, dumb bastard die for his.”

Relatively low priority fails to explain the lack of Federal interest in prosecuting grave marker vandalism. Change the situation to swastikas or SS-lightning bolts spray painted on Jewish graves, or any surface for that matter, and the Federal government swoops down on the scene telling the local cops to get out of their way.

The obvious answer is “Confederate” is not a protected minority. My response is, “Why not?” With the possible exception of Indians (The casino type; not the call center ones), there are fewer Confederates than any of the recognized minorities. Even if you add in all the “neo-Confederates” (because Liberals’ standard operating procedure is to denigrate and shame individuals with whom they disagree by appending the modifier “neo,” as if it has a specific meaning), the total still isn’t very high. You would think that meets the definition of a minority.

download (23)I guess the question of whether all things Confederate are worthy of special legal protection boils down to the perceived voting block that can be delivered. Gays take time from doing their gay stuff to vote. As evidenced by every Obama election, blacks vote when he tells them to. Mexicans like to vote so much that even the illegal ones line up around the block.

6a00d83451bedb69e200e553c627778834-320wiHowever, dead Confederates have no votes to deliver, so they are out of luck. It falls to the living Confederates, and the right-thinking individuals who may disagree, but understand the true nature of liberty and tolerance, to send the exceedingly clear message to politicians that they will pay dearly for their shenanigans by being drummed from office at the first opportunity and refused an elected position ever again.

Nikki Haley, the Governor of South Carolina and Indian RINO, is desperate to hitch her vice-presidential wagon to whichever Republican she reckons has the best chance of defeating Hillary Clinton.

Little NikkiWhile kissing the ass of the N-double A-C-P, she showed herself to be a sleeper agent for Liberals by justifying removal of the Confederate flag from the memorial outside the South Carolina statehouse by recounting how badly her delicate little feelings were hurt and her self-esteem irreparably damaged because of what she perceived as…

Well, I don’t know what it was.

In her rambling retelling of the maltreatment of her parents, Little Nikki the Emotionally Damaged was short on specifics and long on emotions. Her narrative reads like a bad E.E. Cummings impression; lacking punctuation, capitalization, and making very little sense. If her resume is anything like the interview I read, there is nothing more than her name and keywords in the hope of triggering the software so she gets the interview.

From what I can piece together of Nikki’s tearful recounting, her parents are Indians (the Sikh kind; not casino). Mom wore a sari, and Dad a turban.

Imaginary or real mistreatment or suspicions or cross-ways looks (she isn’t terribly clear on the exact nature of the bigotry and discrimination she claims to have witnessed and experienced), Nikki is nursing a grudge she has used as a cudgel to exact revenge.

All right, Sugar Tits. If you want to play that game, I’ll be your huckleberry. Here’s my plan.

Even if you still haven’t had your civil rights restored after that last felony conviction, contact each of the one hundred thirty six Republican candidates for President and communicate to him politely and firmly that taking on Nikki Haley as VP or in any other capacity will guarantee his loss of your vote not only this election cycle, but any election he undertakes in the future.

I know this makes you a single-issue voter. It’s a placard I’ve worn for years, usually in regards to Second Amendment issues, but don’t let the term frighten you. It’s a moniker thrown out by assholes who think they are smarter than everyone else in an attempt to shame the passionate into being just as wishy-washy as they are.

images (63)How about we think of it as politically focused, instead? A voter who doesn’t dither or equivocate, but will jab his pike in the ground and declare, “No further.”

On the state and local level, Governor of Alabama Robert Bentley and Memphis Mayor AC Wharton will be on the receiving end of these sorts of missives, as well. The damage has already been done by these two, but imagine the terror to be struck in their hearts by a substantial chunk of their constituency saying their political careers are effectively over for their actions.

Politicians assign weights to communications they receive. They figure each e-mail, letter, and phone call they get represents a certain number of people who feel the same way and a certain number of votes to be won or lost. What a wonderful way to punch far above your weight class since they assume each person speaking up represents a whole bunch who are not sounding off.

Remind these petty tyrants that we are not to be disregarded between election days.

330Politicians are like zombies. They march toward noise, so make a racket that is impossible to ignore. Liberals understood zombie behavior a hundred years ago and have used it to shove all manner of bad ideas down our collective throat for no better reason than they want to see us perish from this earth.

It’s a distasteful game most are loathe to play for fear of sinking into the same moral rudderlessness as Liberals. We need to overcome this aversion. There is no way to wrestle a pig without getting some shit on you.

So, decide whether it is more important to you to win or fight fair.

How to Ruin a Business in 5 Easy Steps – A Guide to Liberal Activism

gay isis flagI was surprised by the response to LGBT ISIS. Those particular Liberals don’t have a well-developed sense of humor, so I expected negative feedback from the usual lunatics. However, several Rainbow Warriors of my acquaintance, whom I expected to issue a fatwa against me, displayed keen senses of humor at my turns of phrase and thorough understating of how a free market operates.

It turns out fags don’t mind being called fags as long as you can make them laugh while you’re doing it. Or maybe they’re just grooming me for recruitment. I’m not sure.

Donnell, I left my watch on your nightstand. Can you get it back to me? Thanks, bro.

Where was I? Oh, yes. Gay fatwas

Me: “What would a gay fatwa entail? Being held down and my hair styled while show tunes played in the background?”gay_terrorist

My one gay friend: “Or maybe Techno. Depends on how old they are. And then we’d convert you, if you know what I mean.”

Me: “Don’t threaten me with a good time, Sailor.”

For the couple of people who got really angry at me and vowed to never read another thing I’ve written (and then oddly enough, forwarded or linked back to the post to tell people who had never heard of me what a jackass I am), I wanted to expand on the venerable tradition of the boycott.

BoycottAmerican colonialists made extensive use of boycotts of English goods in the years leading up to the American Revolution. I would argue that based on the size of the Colonial economy, compared to all the other markets available around the world, the actual financial impact of thirteen colonies in a backwater of the British Empire refusing to buy a handful of British goods was minimal.

The boycotts were of far more symbolic value to the separatists than any amount of financial blow to the British GNP. Contrary to the stated aim of hurting British business interests, the men who would become our Founding Fathers created privation and hardship among their most loyal followers by convincing them to eschew necessities of life not easily or inexpensively obtained from alternate sources.

In the grand Liberal tradition of bullying those with whom you disagree into doing what you want, here is a page from the Liberal Playbook; How to Ruin a Business in 5 Easy Steps.

Step 1

Force a confrontation with an unsuspecting victim

In the recent Indiana Religious Freedom Protection Act tempest, a local Indiana news affiliate, hungry to create a news Memories Pizzastory on a slow day, descended on the Podunk town of Walkerton (population 2,200). Poor Mrs. O’Conner of Memories Pizza was too kind-natured and polite to do what she should have done. She should have beaten that news reporter with an oven peel until his innards oozed out of at least two orifices. Instead, Mrs. O’Conner displayed the patience of a good Christian (certainly one better than I) and stated her belief with certitude. We all know what happened next.

This step relies on finding someone who is unprepared to speak on camera. People in the various camps of gun rights (open carry, concealed carry, hunters, select-fire aficionados, etc.) are media savvy enough to prepare supporters with tips and talking points to use should one of them be cornered by a news crew. Most Christians don’t yet understand there is a war of annihilation being waged against them.

Step 2

Gin up social unrest over the perceived slight

BullySocial media is the current method to whip up public opprobrium against the offending person, group, or organization. Liberals are masters of it. Not because they are particularly media savvy in getting a message out. Quite the opposite. Organizations such as Moms Demand Action, Gun Sense, and Planned Parenthood do not have a history of effective media campaigns. They only gain high levels of traction because of a high engagement rate by the target audience.

We know from sociological studies that the vast majority of the country are quite conservative people too busy making a living to spend much time pushing a social cause. They believe in a “mind your own business” philosophy and rarely become involved in silly “raising awareness” efforts, and they certainly don’t believe in engaging in vendettas aimed at someone’s livelihood.

Alas, that is the problem. Liberals practice a scorched earth policy and believe in the total destruction of every philosophical enemy.

Like Hitler, Mao, Pol Pot, and Stalin, Liberals literally believe those with whom they disagree do not deserve to live.

Step 3

Convince your useful idiots they are homophobic, racists, sexists, or simply uncool for patronizing said business

Taco Bell, PepsiCo, and McDonalds are solid, established brands. Like Starbucks, an identical menu is offered at every I quit my joblocation. However, unlike Starbucks, the other three are viewed by the young, hip, and liberal segment of American society as being old-fashioned, staid, corporate (whatever that means), and environmentally unfriendly.

For reasons I fail to grasp, a sizeable chunk of society has some sort of allergic reaction to a business that issues stock. In the process of picking winners and losers, they derisively call the disfavored companies “corporations,” as if the socially favored Starbucks and Whole Foods are not structured under the same incorporation rules as the companies they loathe.

The difference is Taco Bell, et al have realized the peculiar penchants of these retarded hippies and turned it to their advantage by employing “intrepreneurs” to create seemingly local, almost mom-and-pop storefronts that appeal to food snobs who would not be caught dead eating in a chain restaurant. The American Taco Company that hipsters love so much is an entity created and entirely owned by Taco Bell, but the useful idiot foodies are largely unaware and flock to the joint.

For fun, I think I would like to hang out at one of these pseudo-local businesses and hand out fliers blowing the restaurant’s cover.

But that would make me no better than the Liberals. Besides, I have a job that takes up all my free time.

Step 4

Seek redress through sympathetic courts

Kangaroo courtLawyers call in “venue shopping.” Much like a pill-head going from medical provider to medical provider in search of scrips for their drug of choice, part of the process is identifying complicit sources. Lawsuits work in a similar manner where the lawyer picks a business to target (See Step 1) that resides in a jurisdiction he judges to have the best chance of success.

As distasteful and cynical as that process seems, it works. Hence, the states making up the Ninth Circuit are the favored grounds to initiate legal challenges to open questions of law or to challenge existing precedent.

Believe it or not, appeals lawyers actively seek out sympathetic appellants with clean criminal backgrounds willing to be arrested and stick with a case through the appellate process.

Do you think Rosa Parks happened by accident? She was hand-picked from the Civil Rights faithful to intentionally violate the segregation laws, while several other similar pending cases were passed over for whatever reasons because the lawyers believed they were ultimately losers.

Step 5

Ruin lives and livelihoods in the name of equality, fairness, and self-esteem

Memories Pizza in Walkerton, Indiana may very well be a memory as the owners doubt they can continue to run the I quitbusiness, or even continue to live in Walkerton, after the number of terroristic threats and amount of sundry harassment to which they have been subjected.

Waging a campaign to destroy my business by publicizing what a jackass you believe me to be is one thing. Threatening to burn that business down, rape my wife and children in front of me, and then kill all of us…

SpartaWell, I take threats at face value and everyone at their word, so choose your words wisely, Persian. This is Sparta.

Moms Demand Action has been throwing an entirely unsuccessful hissy fit against Kroger for their refusal to require their customers to disarm to gain entry to the business. They achieved a measure of success in bullying Target into a wishy-washy appeasement policy that effectively says “We’d prefer you didn’t wear a gun in the store, but we won’t say anything, if you do.”

Where these harpies have had success is Starbucks. Considering the company’s hippy-dippy, white guilt ethos, prohibitingHarpy open carry in their stores was visible a mile off.

Were I of the Liberal mindset, I would be picketing outside the nearest Starbucks screaming my head off about how my rights have been violated, threatening property damage, and interviewing lawyers for the inevitable lawsuit.

But as I said earlier, I have a job and better things to do than force a company that hates my guts and everything I stand for to take my money.

I’d much rather patronize a business that welcomes me in the first place. No protests, lawsuits, social media campaigns, or any other silliness. Just take the money of a middle-aged, heterosexual, traditionally married, opposite sex couple that wants to buy a cup a coffee.

Laser Cat, Suicide, and Lunchboxes

Draven Rodriguez, the Laser Cat kid, committed suicide a few days ago. Draven garnered his fifteen minutes of internet fame last fall for an 80’s-inspired graduation photo, complete with ghost-image profile and multi-colored laser beams, while holding his pet cat.

It is the gayest thing I have seen since I attended the San Diego Gay Pride parade. The fags on the floats would have been taken aback at the sheer queerness of the photo.

Don't Blame the Shirt.
Don’t Blame the Shirt.

The cat doesn’t look terribly happy about the situation, either. Look closely. I swear I see a purple bow-tie on the cat. Or it may be a purple collar. Either way, the cat is pissed off about the whole thing. Even accounting for the ten pounds added by the camera (which is an awful lot for a cat), this tabby was a bit of a porker. He knows it, too. That extra helping of Fancy Feasts will catch up with you sooner or later.  The only way to have made the photo worse would have been to put the poor feline in a sweater embroidered with “Large and in Charge.”

The photo was a defining moment much as when a woman tries to shoehorn herself into her old wedding dress. It never ends well. That is what accounts for the glint of menace in Mr. Bigglesworth’s eyes.

I shit you not. The fucking cat’s name is Mr. Bigglesworth. There is no way on God’s green earth that is not one evil pussy.

So here is my theory. This cat with a shitty name and an eating disorder spends his life listening to an effeminate teenager whine about nobody liking him and not understanding why he isn’t famous, yet. He spends hour after hour being hugged just a little too hard while Liberace, Jr. soaks the poor cat’s fur with tears of angst, doubt, and self-pity.

By the way, Liberace is one of my favorite peter puffers. He worked his ass off at his chosen profession and made every piano his bitch. He also followed the first rule of manhood; create more than you consume.

LiberaceSo when poor little Draven, who by all reports was popular, had some prospects in life, and was socially active in school, comes to the realization that going Greek in college will likely mean more than joining a fraternity, he does the typical teenager thing. He obsesses, gives in to his fears, and lets something that is ultimately inconsequential rule his life.

Since Mr. Bigglesworth has never been exposed to suicide prevention training, he neither recognizes the signs and symptoms that his battle buddy needs help nor knows what to do about it. Not that he would escort Draven to the nearest Chaplin or Doc, anyway. This is an evil and angry cat we’re talking about.

Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, but a vengeful cat is a close second. I once had a cat that took a crap on my pillow out of spite.

What the cat does recognize is a weakness. Cats are hunters by nature and know when to pounce, so in a moment of Draven’s deepest despair, Mr. Bigglesworth made his move. He snuffed Draven in his sleep and made it look like suicide. Nobody ever suspects the cat because they seem so engrossed in grooming their fur and sneaking up on moths, but they hold a grudge for being forced to chase a laser pointer around in circles until they puke. They don’t find that funny at all.

I’m sure Draven’s parents feel it is the end of the world, and they should. Some suicides can be, if not condoned, at least understood when faced with an ultimately terminal medical prognosis, such as with Robbin Williams or my father. However, the suicide of a physically healthy, socially active, and mentally sound child leaves a sense of unfulfilled promise and squandered potential. I’m going to take a wild guess and say it had something to do with him being a homosexual.

Probably a Bully
Probably a Bully

The argument will surely be made that this young man’s suicide was the result of bullying. It may well have been, but here is the rub. If your ultimate fate is to take your own life, those who survive you will scramble to ascribe a suitably profound reason to assuage their feelings of loss. I have it easy. My father knew he would be dead in no more than six weeks and in the meantime, continue to experience small, progressively worse heart attacks until one finally killed him.

My brother and I found him four days before Christmas, after he had begun to liquefy. We also found the remains of his last meal. A Little Cesar’s large Meatza pizza, barbeque chicken wings, and breadsticks. Not a fucking salad to be found. I guess he figured there was no point in changing his eating habits at that stage of the game.

Young Draven is more difficult to explain away. He was popular, active, and all the things a parent wants to see in a child. However, there was something deep inside him that will ultimately suffer the fate of the new American pastime; shirking of personal responsibility.

In their grief, everyone with a sense of loss or an agenda will pick something which they can point to and shriek, “That’s why he did it. He was driven to it.” I put forward that Draven was simply too weak to survive in a harsh world. Not being able to come to terms with the fact that he wanted to ride the baloney pony or that he was picked on for it is only a better reason than his socks not matching that day because it feels more emotionally profound.

Nobody wants to be the one whose son killed himself because the people at Burger King screwed up his order at the drive thru, so they search for a noble reason.

Excuse Me.  I Specifically Asked for Super-Size.
I Specifically Asked for Super-Size.

What more noble reason was available to them than the massively popular and acceptable excuse of social exclusion?  Honestly, if the Laser Cat yearbook photo going around the internet didn’t push this kid over the edge, I’m surprised he killed himself at all. Being gay, Hispanic, and bullied are the trifecta of social shields. That’s why I’m so upset about Portagees no longer being considered “Hispanic.”

Now that I’m just a white guy, I can’t get away with anything. I guess I’ll have to announce that I’m gay in order to get cut any slack for my shenanigans.

The bottom line is that something would have set this kid off sooner or later. Being bullied is part of the human condition. By its current understanding, everyone has been bullied, and we have all bullied someone. The answer isn’t to kill yourself or sit in the corner crying or snitch to an authority. You give back as good as you get, whether it be with words or fists.

In the third grade, I beat my fifth-grader bully bloody with my metal Dukes of Hazzard lunchbox in the boys’ bathroom. You still got something to say to the fat kid, Fernando? I’ll be your Huckleberry again, you cocksucker.

There were no adults present, but there were a couple of witnesses. Word got out fast. Especially when the little punk tattled on me. Parents were called, meetings were held, and my dad nearly got into it with whichever boyfriend-de-jour Fernando’s mother called her Old Man that semester. I took some suspension time for it, a couple months of lost recess time, and several hours’ worth of combined lectures from the Principal on down to the Janitor and Crossing Guard. For some reason, they drew the line at letting the Lunch Lady have a go at me.1980-dukes-of-hazzard-lunch-box

Like any self-respecting Con, I took my time in The Hole without complaint. It was a bargain price to pay for what I got in return. Sure, Fernando got up to his old tricks almost as often as before, but a quick pointing out of the nearest lunchbox caused him to reconsider. And whether caused by fear or respect, I certainly didn’t gain any new bullies for the rest of my time in grammar school. I had shown my refusal to be a victim.

My mother was beside herself with disappointment. She denies it now, but I remember her lecture sounding just like everyone else’s. I was upset that I had dented my beloved lunchbox beyond use and had cracked the thermos. My father pretended to agree with mom. Afterward, he took me out for ice cream and bought me an identical replacement lunchbox.

We are creating a society of victims where weakness and cowardice are encouraged and glorified. All life is precious, so it is a pity that Draven Rodriguez killed himself. I can only imagine the horror his parents are enduring, and I would not expect them to agree with me at all. Allowances for parental grief aside, the fact remains he could not muster up the guts to face his problems. That is what saddens me.

Premature Release

Order L'homme Theroux
Order L’homme Theroux

I will admit the release of L’homme Theroux was premature.  It was due partly to impatience to unleash my first novel upon the world.  A big factor was the desire to challenge myself.  I like tight schedules and pressure, since I firmly believe that any project will take up however much time it is allotted.  My wife says I procrastinate.  I say I do my best work in a crunch.

We have all had moments (for some, entire decades) that are sources of regret in retrospect.  Much like my mistake of publishing #MooseKnuckleChallenge, I look back on L’homme Theroux as it currently is published and see missed opportunities.

By the way, how in the name of Bullwinkle J Moose did I become the “Moose Knuckle Guy”?  Seriously.  Google out “Moose Knuckle Challenge” right now, and you will see I am the first return.  It has by far the most views of any of my posts. This is not what I wanted to be known for.

Instead of a finished novel, I wound up with a solid first draft.  And for that, I apologize to everyone who has downloaded the sample chapters.  I am sincerely sorry to have mistaken what you saw for my best effort.

I’m a history nerd at heart, and I made the mistake of believing the entire world is like me.  They are not.  Most people hate history.  And historians.  And especially, historians that try to slip history lessons into their entertainment.  There’s a reason the History Channel has shifted into reality shows and historically based soap operas.Nerd

That is something I should have understood before.  It is something I keenly understand now that I see posts about “Me & Jake,” screeds about ISIS, and stories of Nazi Home Owners Associations see far more traffic than nerdy posts about archetypes and the Hero’s Journey.

They might be interesting to other writers, but we’re generally a surly, hateful lot who are not above stealing ideas from each other, calling it “research,” making a few changes, and posting it as something completely original.  Then we deny doing it.

We also pretty much only care about book sales.  It gladdens a writer’s heart to hear from a reader, but at the core, writers are literary dope pushers.  We want to get you hooked on our product.  We’ll work together and cross-promote to a limited degree with writers from different genres.  That’s because of limited overlap.  Bring together a group of aspiring authors from the same genre (and let’s face it, the vast majority of us are aspiring), if you want to see fireworks.  We play nice in front of company to avoid looking like assholes, but that’s just to avoid losing potential sales.  Few authors are compelling enough to overcome a bad public image.

Part of a public image is a social media presence.  Hidden in the “widgets” section at the top of this blog, you can find my various social media sites.  I try to vary the content on each one somewhat since I figure different platforms cater to different tastes and styles.  You’re free to follow whichever ones suit your fancy.  However, my sincere wish is for everyone to follow all of them (but so does everybody else on social media).  You’re an adult.  Do what you want.

Come Follow Me!
Come Follow Me!

My current favorite is Tsu.  Think of it as Facebook that does not extort you for money to have all your posts reach all the people who asked to receive them.  The site opened in October 2014, but since then has become the second largest social media platform.  I think it will overtake Facebook in pretty short order.

Did I mention you get a cut from the ad revenue generated from your posts?  Hell, I post everything from my blog to Facebook for free as it is.  Why shouldn’t I make a couple of bucks off the content I create?

I’m going to take a little time off from the blog.  Nothing significant.  Just through the New Year.  I have vacation time I want to spend with the family.  Fear not gentle reader, I shan’t be completely idle.  I will be revising L’homme Theroux for a re-release in early 2015.  If you follow me in any fashion, you will hear about it.  That’s part of my job as an author.  I don’t have a marketing team other than my six or seven fans, and that’s not enough to justify quitting my day job.

Until then, Feliz Natal e um próspero Ano Novo.  Please consider making a resolution to read L’homme Theroux and to introduce my work to a couple of your friends.  All the fine retailers who carry it offer a free sample and I’ve got the first few chapters here.

But don’t do it, just yet!  Let me finish the revisions first.


But wait!  There’s more.

As an added bonus, here is the roundup of my most popular posts for 2014, in case you missed them.  I have no clue if these are good numbers or not:

The Moose Knuckle Challenge (1,290 views)

The #SteelTrapChallenge (336 views)

Just Make the Fucking Donation so the Stupidity Can End (130 views)

According to ISIS My Wife and Daughters are Worth $368.05 (120 views)

Keep Your Damn Umbrella (54)

Social Media Might Kill L’homme Theroux (47 views)

8 Ways to Guarantee a Very Cold Christmas (46)

Ice Bucket Bullies (43 views)

My Neighbor Wants Me in Prison Because I Hate Coons (43 views)

Thrilled Beyond Words (43 views)