New Colossus Shithole

haiti slumPresident Trump called Haiti, El Salvador, and Africa shithole countries on Thursday. This sent Democrats into fits of vertigo because they apparently have never seen photos of any of these places. You don’t have to be able smell the human feces deposited on the public roads by locals or experience a gang rape with a side of HIV transmission to understand that three-quarters of the world is uninhabitable by Western standards.

I’ve been to a few shitholes. You wouldn’t want to live there, either. That’s why they want to come to the West.

We twenty-three cousins were the first generation of our family born in the United States, so we had a lot of access to why my grandfather packed up a wife and half a dozen kids to move to a place they had never seen that was six thousand miles away.

The short answer: It was a shithole.

Of course, shithole is a bit of a moving target, depending on speaker, time, and place. Millennials call any residence without broadband internet a shithole. I think any place where I can see my neighbors is a shithole.

However, crapping in the streets, roving gangs of brigands, tyrannical government, and child mortality rates approaching ten percent are probably fair hallmarks of a country that is a shithole, by anyone’s standard. If they aren’t, the only conclusion a reasonable person can draw is that the residents of said shithole countries enjoy living in squalor.

Every immigrant to any country in the world left his native land because he thought it was a shithole compared to the destination.

The West is a bitchin’ place to live. Especially, the United States, and despite, or possibly because of, several forays overseas on her behalf, that sentiment has only been reinforced. Those who want to leave are free…nay, encouraged to book passage to any nation that will have them. Nobody will miss them.

But they won’t leave.

How many whiners who complain about the West are willing set up shop in some third-world shanty-town with an open sewer running down the middle of the main street to bless the underprivileged locals with the benevolence and superior know-how they possess?

The answer is precious few, and fewer still who remain any longer than a Peace Corp-sponsored, working vacation to put off graduate school and having to get a real job.

The Peace Corp is the modern version of The White Man’s Burden.

A nation can have either a robust social safety net or unfettered immigration, but not both simultaneously. The United States has been trying to have both for fifty years, and we are on the verge of collapse because of it.

Prior to establishment of the welfare state, immigrants who did not or could not survive economically repatriated themselves, once it became clear they would starve to death. A substantial percentage did just that. It was a wonder of self-regulation. You either pulled your own weight, or you were out.

There were one or two in my family who faced that dilemma. They returned to Portugal, which by then had gone from a left-leaning monarchy to full-blown socialism. Nobody misses them, either.

The American immigration system, once a beacon that attracted the smartest, hardest working, and most likely to assimilate to the dominant culture, has degenerated into the world’s biggest welfare ward.

The occasional white collar professional surfing across the top of the sludge from his shithole country of origin does nothing to offset the tidal wave he rode in on.

Assuming the government and the New York Liberals cannot be forced to demolish the Statue of Liberty entirely, I suggest the following change to the Emma Lazarus poem, The New Colossus, inscribed on the pedestal:

Send me your energetic, your pure of heart, your vibrant go-getters yearning for free markets, the virile entrepreneurs who rise above their origins. Send these, the robust, tempest-weathering to me, I lift my lamp beside the golden door.


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Time to Pay the Piper

With the inauguration of Donald Trump, an awful lot of celebrities should be leaving the country soon, if their previous pronouncements are any more believable than campaign promises. With any luck, Hollywood will soon be a veritable ghost town, leaving a void where the all-to-rare original thought for a movie plot can take hold and flourish.

I get it. Peter Parker was bitten by a radioactive spider to become Spider Man. I didn’t forget from the last movie.

Just for giggles, I collected a list of the scum and villains who promised to vacate the wretched hive that is the United States in the event of a Donald Trump presidential victory. Some I recognized. Some I had to take the word of my good friend Google that they were part of the Cool Kid Club.
A couple of them threatened to leave the planet entirely. It’s a prospect that’s quite appealing until the realization sets in that they would want the project to be funded by taxpayers. Considering the proclamation of University of California freshman Seth Greenberg to cut off his penis should Donald Trump build a wall along the Mexican border, threats to leave the country just don’t have the same pizazz.

This youngster definitely upped the ante in the Things I Want to See Happen category, but looking at his photo, I suspect he doesn’t have much call for its use, so it wouldn’t be much of a sacrifice.

Considering these trend setters garnered a collective shoulder shrug from the villagers for crying wolf one too many times, I wouldn’t blame any of my readers for missing the news. Each of them probably has far better uses for time than to research stupid things said by spoiled brats in a snit.
I had to do a fair bit of searching to collect the evidence. As a matter of fact, when I went to double check myself a few days ago, virtually all of the brave would-be emigrants had recanted.
Some brushed off the statements as a joke that very few people were smart enough to understand. Others claimed hyperbole. Most claimed some sort of burning bush moment of realization that they were needed to effect change in America, rather than flee the Trump Reich.

More likely, reality set it. I only wish we had as strong an immigration policy as Canada or Australia or pretty much any other country in the world.

It seems that when push comes to shove, these same brave pioneering souls, who largely wanted to ditch America for another First World country, or possibly settle on Uranus, found their destinations didn’t want them, either.

Lena Dunham

Probably best known for sexually molesting her sister, false college rape allegations, and insisting everyone find her sexually desirable, the poor child would be better served with membership in a platonic cuddle club to make up for her lack of parental affection as a child.

Reverend Al Sharpton

Tax-evading, race baiting, FBI informant Al Sharpton took about a day to realize he had been caught in another lie and whip out the “just kidding, y’all” card. I think I speak for a sizable chunk of America when I say, “We wish you hadn’t been.”

Raven Symone

We loved her in The Cosby Show. Hangin’ with Mr. Cooper wasn’t too terrible for a 1990’s sitcom. For reasons that elude me, That’s So Raven was popular, but it was downhill from there. If I had to pick between success under Disney and remaining a poor dirt farmer for the rest of my life, I’d pass on working for the Big Mouse. I swear, there is a curse on Disney talent.

Jon Stewart

Despite what Millennials believe, John Stewart began his career as a comedian, so his comment to leave the planet has a reasonable likelihood of having been a joke. Kidding or not, I’d like to see him lead the mission to Pluto. He can even decide whether it’s a planet or not.

Amy Schumer

She should be denied entry to Canada for the Pirelli calendar alone, but there’s so much more to make Amy Schumer an undesirable immigrant. If joke stealing is considered actual theft, our neighbors to the north probably won’t let her past the Customs desk.

She’s further proof that women, on average, just aren’t funny.


There are a whole bunch more, but it will just get boring from here on. I think I’ve made my point.
img_20161230_123607555Besides, I have to go feed Amy and Lena.







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