Trump Deports Margaret Cho

panda1American born, LGBT activist and rumored comedienne Margaret Cho has been deported to China in what Cho’s representative calls a misguided and racist miscarriage of human rights by the Trump administration.

Wait a minute. Pandas aren’t Korean. And Margaret Cho isn’t terribly funny, either. So, let me double-check my facts.

The difference between a panda and Margaret Cho is that I would cuddle with a panda after sex…and pandas are funny.

Donald Trump isn’t the first president to fight the treachery of China. You have to go all the way back to Richard Nixon’s visit to China and their white elephant gift of “loaning” the United States two pandas.

The National Zoo in Washington, DC has shipped a three-year-old panda, named Bao Bao, to China. In one of life’s magnificent ironies, Bao Bao the panda is the only instance of the United States exporting something to the Celestial Kindgom.

Expect this panda’s anchor baby to sponsor his family for US citizenship in the next few years.

Bao Bao the pampered panda is traveling by air in a crate the size of a double bed, so he can stretch out and relax, while his personal keeper and veterinarian keep up a constant stream of bamboo over the sixteen-hour, non-stop flight. The last thing you want is an animal that eats thirteen to sixteen hours a day to get cranky from hunger pangs.

I hope I’m reincarnated as a panda. I can’t get my company to pay for business class.

The Chinese are a clever people. They invented gunpowder and silk and noodles and border walls. They invented trickery, too. Their slanty eyes and bucked teeth are a government sponsored cosmetics surgery program specifically designed to get the round-eyes of the world to drop their guard.

panda2What other explanation is there? The damn Chinese tricked the country into establishing a breeding program for their pandas.

Pandas are the vegans of the animal world. These picky sons-of-bitches not only refuse to eat anything besides bamboo, but they’ll only chow down on two of the eighty-six varieties.

If my kids were as picky eaters as pandas, they’d starve.

Pandas are one animal that should have gone extinct years ago. They deserve to die out. Not only because pandas are more difficult to feed than a lactose intolerant, gluten sensitive, vegan albino with irritable bowel syndrome, the furry beasts won’t breed to save their species.

Search the internet all you like. There are only a handful of photos depicting real, live pandas mating, and I suspect they are different angles of the same pair. They’re terrible at it. I found more photos of people dressed as pandas having sex, which was disturbing in itself and something I discourage everyone from seeking out.

It’s easier to get white millennials to reproduce with each other than convincing pandas to get it on.

The San Diego Zoo has three of the remaining dozen pandas in the United States. I assume they are the same trio I never managed to see in the decade I lived in the area. It wasn’t for lack of trying. My family had annual combo-passes to the zoo and Wild Animal Park for at least half that time, so we went frequently to get my money’s worth. Each visit to the zoo included a trip to the panda enclosure, but luck was never with us. Our timing was always bad. The pandas were always at a vet appointment or a field trip or in time-out for biting a zookeeper on the ass.

Until one day, when we caught a break.

Past the signs admonishing visitors not to speak above a whisper on pain of being tasered by zookeepers, Mrs. Cunha and I passed out animal crackers (oh, the irony) and jugs of Bug Juice to the kids to keep them muzzled. In harsh tones and stern looks from video monitors, generic Asians in Mao jackets explained that pandas are sensitive, artistic animals, easily triggered into fits of PTSD by sudden movements, loud farts, and presentation of conflicting opinions.

These snowflake pandas are as bad as Antifa feminists at a Milo Yiannopoulos university speech.

Approaching the rail that overlooked the panda enclosure, our hearts buoyed at the prospect of finally seeing a God-damn panda. What we found was a plywood cutout of a panda holding a sign that read, “Sorry, folks. We’re feeling under the weather.” Clearly, this was a common enough occurrence the zoo people went to the trouble of making a reusable, long lived sign.

I ran down the nearest khaki safari outfit to express my dismay and displeasure at the dearth of pandas in the panda display.

If I had my way, we’d turn every one of those pandas into bathrobes and invite the nearest Chinese embassy to the Panda-B-Q that Sunday.

The perky young, blonde information kiosk confided the pandas weren’t really ill. Ping Pong was heat, so they penned her up with Ding Dong in the hopes a romantic afternoon together would encourage them to start pumping out little pandas. However, I was in luck, because a Panda Cam had just been installed in their little love nest.

panda3After schlepping the kids from the other end of the county to trod an asphalt midway in the summer son, the thought of voyeuring queer pandas in night-vision over the internet in the hopes they do some panda stuff was not high on my bucket list.

Even if I want my kids exposed to panda porn, I’m sure there are more efficient ways.

That’s why the Chinese kick our ass in trade. They take poorly camouflaged cousins to raccoons with the dietary requirements of a kosher anorexic and convince America to create a breeding program for animals so blasé about the survival of their kind they can hardly be bothered to screw.

If Donald Trump wants to make America great again as much as he claims, he will deport the rest of those alien pandas and their anchor baby cubs. That will teach China. Let them breed their own pandas.

And send Margaret Cho with them, for good measure.


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Deport Ian Mercer

1MercerIf Oregon shooter Christopher Harper Mercer owning fourteen firearms is responsible for the Umpqua College shooting, as his father has implied in news interviews, then Ian Mercer belongs in prison.

In a widely circulated news interview this week, Ian Mercer, not looking terribly distraught at having just lost his son, prattled on in a lower-class English accent, that only marginally disguises his Elmer Fudd-speech impediment, about how his son’s ability to amass fourteen firearms was the reason Christopher Harper Mercer went on a shooting spree at Umpqua Community College.

Grieving or not, Ian Mercer’s thought process is so fucked up and incompatible with the American ethos that he should be deported.

Liberals love to call two or more firearms under the same roof an “arsenal.” I think that’s their actual definition. It’s an intentionally misused term, like “gay rights” or “self-esteem.”

1IanMercer1Ian Mercer never mentioned if there was a magical number of allowable, heavily regulated firearms that would be just shy of the “Shoot up your school” level of crazy most recently displayed by his son. However, going back as far as I can remember, mass shooters always seem to have more than one gun with them. Even Lee Harvey Oswald had more than one with him, so perhaps Ian Mercer believes a total prohibition would have prevented Christopher Harper Mercer from going on his rampage.

We need only look to his homeland England for proof. In 1997, Britain outlawed all but seven shotguns that are loaned out to farmers for predator control, but only after the creature has killed three people (one, if it’s a Muslim because they’re more valuable) and ignored a sternly worded cease-and-desist order from the local magistrate.

Despite a prohibition so complete there is hardly a Brit left who has touched a gun, much less knows how to effectively employ one, any Englishman willing to disregard the law is able to get his hands on a firearm with less paperwork and government oversight than an American has to endure purchasing a can of spray paint in a California Home Depot.

And if tracking down the local stolen-arms dealer is too much trouble, knives, hammers, and various other bunt and heavy everyday items are an only slightly less effective and popular choice, as evidenced by the sky-high rates of knife-related crimes in England.

It seems malice was not confiscated along with the firearms in England.

1mercer3The only conclusion I can draw is Ian Mercer was a gun prohibitionist prior to Christopher Harper Mercer’s final flip out. Perhaps we should put him in touch with Andy Parker, so Ian can stand on corpses for personal gain, too. He actually strikes me as being so habitually AWOL from his son’s life, that all but the most general details escape his knowledge, and is now using the shooting to push his social agenda.

What the gun-grabbing gaylords and their ilk don’t understand is the fundamental nature of Americans.

We are a fundamentally independent minded people who chafe at being told what to do. We resent prohibitions that presume criminal intent by mere possession. And we sure as Hell feel no need to justify a desire to exercise a right. Begging permission is not something a free people do.

Christopher Harper Mercer had every right to own fourteen firearms. All the foot stomping and blame-shifting in the world by Ian Mercer does not change that fact. His mother, Laurel Harper, seems to love relying on her son’s Asperger’s Syndrome to garner attention from strangers on-line and justify her son’s childhood temper tantrums.

Laurel Harper is now giving interviews, too. She’s clearly a Gun Gal, and Christopher Harper Mercer’s “access to an arsenal” was via his mother’s legally acquired firearms. So, in essence, just like the other Mama’s Boy Adam Lanza, Christopher Harper Mercer stole the firearms he used at Umpqua Community College. No law, background check, or gun registry would have prevented his acquisition.

Perhaps it’s the larger issue of extended adolescence the Western world is experiencing. Americans are pretty bad about this. None of us wants to see his child hurt, but I can tell you the best life lessons I have learned were the ones that involved scabs, a punch in the face, or an Emergency Room visit.

1IanMercer4Ian Mercer and Laurel Harper have fallen into the modern feminist fallacy that fathers to not matter. Regardless of the reasons she left Ian Mercer, neither parent did the boy any favors, even if he hadn’t ultimately gone on a shooting spree. Ian Mercer was an absentee father who had virtually no contact with his son. Laurel Harper made her son the man of the house, and at twenty-six, was entirely too old to be living at home with mommy as an full-grown man-child.

Attend all the ballgames and movie premiers you want, divorced dads. Showing up every other weekend to do fun stuff and impart life-lesson while watching sunsets on the beach still means you fall short. The time simply cannot be made up. The reasons why or who has what fault are immaterial.

The strong, proud, independent woman who doesn’t need a man to raise children has produced another murderer. Instead of confiscating guns, we need to confiscate single mothers.

Jews have the tradition of bar mitzvah, conducted at thirteen years old, where the applicant is presented to the community as an adult capable of understanding the difference between right and wrong, be responsible for his actions, and old enough to begin considering the impact of decisions and behavior.

It’s a wonderful tradition the rest of America should consider. If it’s too Jewish for your taste, suspension from hooks pierced through the pectoral flesh or facing down a charging bull would work just as well. The point is Americans need something to mark the end of childhood and beginning of adulthood. Otherwise, we end up a society of grown men desperately clinging to childhood and dropping out of society because being a man is too hard and delivers too few benefits.

Extended adolescence is destroying America in general, and manhood, specifically. Look no further than Ian Mercer, if you’d like a glimpse of manhood when a society exchanges freedom for safety. The reaction of horror to fourteen firearms in the general vicinity of each other is evidence of this.

The last statistic I read proclaimed there are almost enough guns in the United States to give one to each man, woman, and child. And by my math, we need to triple that number.

Every adult should have at an absolute minimum a rifle, pistol, and shotgun in NATO caliber. Whether United States citizens ever have to resist a tyrannical government (in which case, necessity may dictate field acquisition of munitions) or a Red Dawn-type situation (in which case, the government would likely supply materiel to irregular troops; i.e. the militia), commonality of ammunition will be important.

Throw in a .22 pistol for dispatching pest animals, a .22 rifle for small game and general screwing around, a deer rifle, duck gun, upland bird gun, trap and skeet double shotgun, a concealed carry pistol, what we called in Texas a “Barbeque Gun” (a pretty pistol for formal occasions), a .410 shotgun for when a 12 gauge is just too much gun, a hide-out/backup pistol, and a beater rifle, pistol, and shotgun in the truck, fourteen firearms doesn’t sound so excessive, anymore. Does it?

And that’s just an example of working guns. Even a narrowly focused category, such as Colt Single Action Armys, Swiss Vetterlis, or US small arms of the Second World War, will result in an impressive number of firearms. Broaden the scope to Enfields or Mausers, and you will run out of wall space to display them before acquiring a specimen of every variant.

But to Liberals, a gun is a gun is a gun, and they are all evil killing machines with no legitimate place in civilized society.

Ian Mercer would puzzle at both how such a person described above has not been driven to a maniacal shooting spree and the person’s need for this number of firearms.

The simple answer to Ian Mercer is, “Fuck you. That’s why.”

A less belligerent, more intellectually nuanced, and politically astute man might say something about God-given, inalienable, individual rights enshrined and guaranteed as sacrosanct in American’s founding documents.

I’m not that man.

1IanMercer2Ian Mercer, along with the rest of the world’s gun-grabbers, lacks an understanding of the fundamentally independent and self-reliant nature of the average American. We don’t play well with others. We are not bi-partisan. And we most certainly don’t like to be told what to do. We also have a massive distaste for authority.

They also hate freedom. In that aspect, they are no better than ISIS. We have enough trouble with the homegrown Liberals curtailing the religious rights of Christians and suppressing cultures with which they disagree.

Before the “What about when it’s your child” and “How many will it take” questions flow in, I will give you the non-NRA approved response. “All of them.”

I don’t give a fat baby’s dick about your kids, and clearly, neither do the parents of the dead children.

The odds of a mass shooting occurring at a particular K-12 school this year are 1 in 53,000. Those are about the same odds as being struck by lightning. And yet, I don’t see anyone putting their child in a Faraday cage for protection from lightning. By the way, the odds of any of us being injured by a toilet this year are 1 in 10,000.

These statistics are presented only partially tongue-in-check. I spent several years manipulating numbers to show anything, so I have a particular disdain for statistics. Those who disagree with me can easily produce their own that support their position. However, two immutable truths render all statistics and emotional appeals moot.

First, I still don’t give a shit about your kids. Second, there is no price too high to pay for freedom; not my life, my children’s lives, your life, or your children’s lives. Two World Wars, the Revolutionary War, and the War of Northern Aggression should be plenty of proof that freedom, not only of a people, but of individuals, is worth sacrificing an entire generation.

If Liberals felt as strongly about gun rights as they do forcing Christians to cater gay weddings, the government would be issuing everyone an M-4, and heads-of-households an M-9.

As a nation, we have forgotten what it means to be self-reliant as we run into the arms of Big Daddy Government like a child frightened by a nightmare. We have traded liberty for a sense of security one slice at a time and demand more of the same. Our actions (and especially, similar ones by European nations) have proven Ben Franklin was right. We do not deserve our liberty.

Westernized nations can’t even reproduce enough little Westerners to replace the dying population each year, and so, resort to immigrants to buoy the population. The rub is that each immigrant allowed in, especially those from cultures that want to destroy the host, fundamentally change their new homeland to resemble the shithole they just fled.

If Ian Mercer, Piers Morgan, and the like are the sorts of British immigrants America gets, we should stop allowing them to come. Now, that I think about it, let’s just cease all immigration now because most of them refuse to assimilate, and many of them are creating mass killers who shoot up colleges, bomb marathons, and attack military recruiting centers.