Note: This piece was published in Mother Jones in late 2001 or very early 2002. If you know me, you understand the irony of me being published there. I remember being a bit irked at the name change by the editors.
Another Modest Proposal
The World Trade Center attack has heightened American awareness of plots hatched by fringe groups to do its citizens harm. America will take a collective sigh of relief when bin Laden is captured, but there is still much work to be done. Another group of extremists has covertly infiltrated the United States. They have been at work longer than the Al Queda network and are more dangerous than any razorblade-wielding Islamic zealot. The next major threat to the American way of life is Canada.
Yes, Canada–our friendly neighbor to the north, often thought of as the US without the guns, violence, and crime. A recently uncovered plot implicates Ottawa in the funding of sleeper agents who go about their normal lives until called upon to rise up and spread Socialism. The dastardly goal is to nationalize healthcare, reduce infant mortality rates to below that of a third-world African nation, and make all American streets safe to walk on at night. Those Mother-Canuckers!
The insidious insertion of these highly trained operatives began shortly after Canada became an independent dominion on July 1, 1867. Remembering the US invasion during the War of 1812, the Canadian Parliament initiated what later became known as “Operation Snowback.” Agents of the Canadian government, known as Snowbacks, took advantage of the longest undefended border in the world to slip into the United States undetected.
Their primary mission has not changed: to infiltrate American society, principally through the arts, media, and entertainment. Lest there be any doubt, here is a short list of uncovered Snowback operatives: Pamela Anderson, Tom Green, Peter Jennings, Alex Trebek , Tommy Chong, Michael J. Fox, Rich Little, Lorne Green, and Monty Hall.
The list goes on. These are just the agents that have been discovered. Luckily, their exposure reduces the threat, but untold thousands of Snowbacks roam American streets with impunity, taking jobs from US citizens while waiting to transform the national sports from football and baseball to hockey and lacrosse.
Clearly, the northern US border needs to be shut down, and tighter controls placed on Canadians already here; particularly those snotty French pricks from Quebec. To that end, the Anti-Canadian League has convinced Senators Dianne Feinstein and Jesse Helms to cosponsor the Subversives Among our Midsts Act. The SAM bill will require the immediate deportation of all undocumented Canadian nationals. It also requires all persons of Canadian origin, naturalized or not, to display a brand on either cheek in the shape of a maple leaf with the initials of their province of origin inside the leaf. Denoting province of origin will assist in tracking and prosecution should any of the ice fishers get out of line.
In addition to shutting the US-Canadian border and identifying all Canadians, the SAM bill will outlaw subversive products and terms that have weaseled their way into the American lexicon. For example, Canadian bacon will henceforth be called “ham.” The National Hockey League will be disbanded, and all professional players will be assigned jobs with the Icecapades. All ice skates not designed specifically for figure skating will be confiscated and burned in a bonfire at various state capitols. The story of Paul Bunyan and his blue ox, in all media forms, will be prohibited, as well as sales of Canadian Mist, Seagram’s products, all Canadian whiskeys, Canada Dry, and Yukon Jack.
Works of literature written by Jack London will be exempted since they show the truly miserable nature of life in Canada. Women will no longer be allowed to joke about their girlfriend who “always gets her man.” All maple trees will be uprooted and dumped just over the border. All Loons found in the United States or migrating over its airspace will be shot down. Jim Carrey and Dan Aykroyd will also be hunted down and killed.
The scourge of Operation Snowback must be stopped before Canada manages to convert the United States into a nation of healthy, peaceful lumberjacks who say “Ah” at the end of every sentence. Support SAM. The fate of a great nation hangs in the balance.