Social Media Fatwas


Gallows1The power of words continues to amaze me. As a writer, really a story teller at heart, the power of certain words in the right order and context is something I should have committed to memory as triggers for violent responses by now, but I haven’t. Provoking someone into temporary insanity is not typically my intent, but it sure is fun to watch someone turn purple and see the spittle fly while talking. The urge to grab the hot-wire on an electric fence is something that has stayed with me from my youth.

Either I’m not terribly bright, some sort of masochist, or just have a need to stir up trouble. It’s quite possibly a combination of all three.

Challenging authority is about the closest I get to having fun most days. I’m not talking about slapping a cop and trying to outrun him or anything silly like that. That’s just a losing proposition all the way around.

BullyThe authorities of the world whose noses I like to tweak are the finger-wagging, self-appointed sort; the ones who enjoy issuing scolding comments such as “That’s not funny, Carlos” and the more sinister “Anonymous is watching,” followed by copying me on a snitching e-mail to the CEO of a social media platform, the Director of the FBI, and the President of the United States demanding my account be deleted and I be investigated on hate crime charges.

I shit you not. This has happened more than once.

It’s funny how people stop laughing at your jokes when you go after their favorite sacred cow.

Hell, it says “Gallows Humorist” right there in the biography blurb at the top of the page. Don’t you own a dictionary? Kittens and rainbows aren’t my style. I’m upfront about who and what I am, so if I’m not your brand of whiskey, my advice would be to find that little button that says “unfriend” and move on with life.

1cryingbabyAs a writer dependent on other people coming to read what I write, the best way in the world to hurt me is to ignore me.

By the way, if you want to see the really dark side of my sense of humor, come on over and follow me on Tsu, where I post more content than either my Facebook profile or page.

I have always liked a good fight, and punching up is the best way to get one. Otherwise, it’s just being a bully. All through school, my favorite activity in class was to ask the teacher a question I was reasonably certain he didn’t know the answer to. God help any History professor who gave a hint of knowing less about a given topic than I did. I can sense weakness, and that’s when I would pounce.

1526598_10202809029686590_400593032_nPerhaps I would have had more respect for the teaching profession and those who filled its ranks had they the stones to admit their lack of knowledge on a specific topic. Up and down the line, all the way through Graduate School, it was a rare duck willing to admit ignorance despite demanding it from the pupils. I tried pulling my crap with Hall Heffelfinger exactly once.

The older I grow, the more frequently I find myself disagreeing with his historical analysis, but to Hal’s credit, he was one of the precious few who would say, “I’m not familiar with that. Give me the five second version,” instead of telling me to shut up because I was disrupting the lesson plan.

Here’s a hint for instructors of any subject. Nobody gives a shit about your meticulously timed and robotically delivered lecture. You should be thrilled to have students who go outside the assigned reading and come prepared with curve balls to throw.

If you treat your teaching career like batting practice, don’t be surprised when some kid who takes the game seriously comes along and makes you look like the bush leaguer you are.

Speaking of bush leaguers, I have fallen out of love with Megyn Kelly of Fox News after her little spat with Donald Trump.

MegynIf you didn’t watch the Republican debate, Kelly came out swinging on Trump’s first question demanding Trump prove he was not a misogynist. In the course of a fairly pat answer, Trump ad libbed a line about Megyn Kelly not treating him very well with the nature of the question.

The last guy who should expect or complain about not getting fair treatment is Donald Trump. The circle he has operated in over the past quarter century is rife with absolute (figurative) killers who keep women like Megyn Kelly as concubines and make the politicians who shared the stage with Trump look like boy scouts. Hell, Trump owns half the politicians that were on that stage, and the other half owe him favors. Trump’s a brawler among a bunch of talkers, which goes a long way to explaining his frequent inarticulateness.

Watching Trump at the debate was like watching my grandfather when all six of his daughters came over for the holidays. The poor man couldn’t get a complete sentence out before those yammering broads descended on him.

Donald_TrumpAt least one reporter agreed with Trump and me that the question was remarkable enough to ask about it the next day. Trump pretty much said Megyn Kelly was bitchy with him because she was on her period. Honestly, I hope he’s right because the alternative is that the darling of Fox News and Conservative media is turning to the dark side by asking feminist-inspired “gotcha” questions that have no right answer. Kelly might as well have well asked, “Mr. Trump, do you still beat your wife?”

Megyn Kelly is supposed to be this hard-bitten chick who can hold her own with any man. If she can’t take the occasional punch to the ovaries, she has no business being in the ring. And in what may or may not be a terrible coincidence, Kelly is taking a couple weeks off. Whether this vacation has been planned for months, as the Fox News camp claims, it still comes off looking like Megyn Kelly had to take some time off work to brush the sand out of her vagina.

If you feminist gals want to play with the big boys, you should be prepared to take one on the chin occasionally and not run off crying to your mother.

Don’t expect to find a baby shower at a boxing match. And certainly, don’t be upset to find two men beating the Hell out of each other when you get there.

If you find what I write or post on social media to be beyond your personal taste, whether that be racist, sexist, xenophobic, homophobic, uncouth, or whatever is offensive today, save yourself some effort and go patronize some other content outlet you find more acceptable. Call me an “asshole” on the way out the door, if it makes you feel better.

I send a dollar to a starving child in Zimbabwe each time someone calls me a name. I’ve been promised a lion hunt, if I reach one hundred thousand. Even the smallest donation helps fill little M’kimbe’s distended belly.

There is no end of people vying for your reading attention who post positive affirmations, pictures of kittens, and say “Namaste” to each other. That and Al Gore is pretty much what built the internet. I’m sure they’d love to have you stop by after declaring you will never read my stuff again.

Don’t forget to unfollow me, unfriend me, and block me as you leave. I’d also suggest deleting me from your browser history so you never have to risk seeing my drivel again.

JihadForDummiesIf you absolutely feel the need to declare a fatwa and mount a social media jihad against me, I say “Thank you” for two reasons. First, each person you induce to come by and heap scorn upon what I create is simply another set of eyeballs to drive up the website statistics. Secondly, your friends like what I have to say more than you do and are converted to fans at a far higher rate than you imagine.

So, please, let the hatred flow through you and onto me.

Unlike Megyn Kelly and the humorless “Namaste Mafia” faction of Liberals (and believe me, they are Liberals whether they realize it or not), I can take a punch to the face pretty well.

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19 thoughts on “Social Media Fatwas

  1. […] News reports have consistently pointed out that Vester Flanagan had filed unfounded Human Resources beefs against Alison Parker and Adam Ward, but I wonder how much of that is hindsight. The guy would scream racism and homophobia for cutting a fart in his presence. My suspicion is Flanagan picked a soft target. Parker, being a young and tech savvy journalist, habitually posted her public appearance schedule to social media. […]

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  2. Carlos you are my soul mate. Except that I am in a committed relationship and you’re probably 50 miles of bad road. That being said I just wrote a post for my blog called The Problem of ISIS Can Be Solved and the solution, beyond taking the leaders out, is to build swimming pools in Syria and Iraq and give the boys recording contracts so they can vent their frustrations a la Straight Outta Compton. It worked in LA. Why not elsewhere?

    Anyhoot, I really enjoy your writing. You’ve got a fan. BTW are you actually Lewis Black under a pseudonym? And that’s a picture of your brother? Or some dead guy who can’t complain?

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    • Renee, our cosmic connection will have to go unfulfilled as there is already a better half in my life, as well. You’re right that I’m lots of trouble, but I’m just the sort of trouble that Mrs. Cunha likes.
      Giving all the Afghans solar panels didn’t make them love us, but maybe they were holding out for pools. Are you talking above-ground or in-ground? It would probably make a difference to ISIS. In-ground pools might be considered decadent.
      In reality, I use the name Lewis Black as my pseudonym. I pay an actor to read my ramblings in the event they don’t go over well and the suicide bombers show up.
      Yes, that is a photo of me. Sorry to disappoint you for not being both witty and handsome. That photo is actually two years old. I’ve always looked to be in my forties, which sucked when I was twenty, but won’t be so bad when I’m fifty. Take a look at some of my homesteading posts, if you’re curious. You’ll see photos of me from this spring scattered around.

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      • I’m pretty sure they were holding out for pools. In ground, of course. You have to be able to lounge around the sides and have pool-boys bring you drinks. Problematic with above ground.

        Solar panels?! I could have told you they’re no fun! That’s one of the problems with Americans. We’re no fun. Even our dress is boring and dull. Yeah, jeans and a t shirt. That compares to, say, your average Indian sari or punjabi dress.

        I thought so! That actor does a pretty good job at interpretation, don’t you think?

        I wish I had the same issue with the photography. At least you have something to look forward to!

        Keep the posts coming. I’m glad to have discovered you through one of my readers, a little ole boy from Georgia. Thanks Jules!

        Liked by 1 person

      • That’s absolutely true. Furthermore, at this late stage of my life I’m going to do what I want to do no matter what. So even if I suck, which I don’t think I do 100%, I’m going to do it because I like to do it. I’ve been an artist all my life, started out as a big fish in a little pond, came down to the big city and was surprised to find very talented people who frightened me. It was then I decided that I do things for myself and if the critics don’t care for it that’s their problem. Even if I don’t get financial recognition I do it anyway. Isn’t that right? (I mean it’s wrong but it’s also right.) That’s why I love the blog. We can speak our mind and the editor or publisher isn’t breathing down our neck and telling us how to do it. Thanks for being there. Over and out. Gotta go feed the critters.

        Liked by 1 person

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