Y’all Need Jesus in Your Life


yyIn addition to pumping out a weekly article, I’ve been editing L’homme Theroux for re-release. To the four people who have purchased it, I apologize. I published it last October, but have never completely happy with it. The novel was an experiment of sorts to see how fast I could push out a finished product following Stephen King’s advice that a first draft should not take more than three months to write, regardless of the novel’s size.

Thanks, Steve, but you never said how long we should dedicate to editing.

I was hoping to have the revision ready by the first of August, but it’s not ready. She needs a little more time in the oven. To the poor souls who bought the first edition, the content should update automatically when you hook up to whatever service you purchased it from. If you haven’t read it, yet…forget what I just said and take your time cracking it open.

Since I was going cross-eyed from editing today, I decided to take a look at my website statistics. Specifically, the “search terms” section, since that is usually entertaining. It’s something I release about every six months for no better reason than getting a laugh and possibly learning something.

Paula Dean JesusEach time I check, the thought that y’all really need some Jesus in your lives is driven home. I’m pretty far from a saint myself, but good night, some of the folks that come by are looking for some pretty weird stuff. And it’s not the weirdness that gets me. It’s how specifically weird it can get.

I’ve categorized and listed some of my favorites:

Slavery

Not to be confused with Antebellum slavery, where depending on your political view, it was either Roots or Disney’s Song of the South, but modern day slavery. I’ve written several times on ISIS and how they will kill us all and enslave the rest, if given the chance.

BirthQuestions and answers on taking captives and slaves: Is this curiosity or an actual plan of yours?

Irbil sexy market girls: Clearly a Star Wars nerd with a Princess-Leia-in-a-metal-bikini fantasy. Can’t say as I blame the guy.

ISIS victims crying: Quite possibly another fetish.

Threesome with slaves allowed in Islam: Probably the most important question to ask when considering running off to fight the infidels.

Violence

ISIS chainsaw beheading, Download video of ISIS beheading women, and cutting head off with chainsaw: I’m noticing a trend of a fascination not only with beheadings, but those by spectacular methods. Something tells me a lot of these searches are by people who haven’t been exposed to really nasty violence.

Failures

Don't be a pussy.  Let's see that #MooseKnuckle.
Don’t be a pussy. Let’s see that #MooseKnuckle.

Moose Knuckle and variantsBack when the Ice Bucket Challenge was the big thing, I bitched up a storm about it and proposed my own pathetic attempt to counter it where men posted photos of their underwear-clad junk. I even started off with my own. Considering that you’ve never heard of it should tell you exactly how successful I was with it. Oddly enough, it is by far the most popular search term bringing people to my site.

Possible racism

I hate coons, Damn coons, and North Charleston nigger Taser: That last one probably is racist, but the first two are questionable. I am well known for my disdain of raccoon and other homestead resource thieves.

Unusual sex practices

How did people talk dirty in the 19th Century: Definitely a question a writer would ask, but if that wasn’t from a writer, there is some interesting Cos Play going on.

I peed in my wife: Exactly what do you think I get up to in my free time?

download (12)Touch grandma in public, Tumblr drunk grandma gang band, and rape virgin in her home: Y’all need some Jesus in your lives.

Korean girls doesn’t have big boobs: I’ve never written about either of those, so I’m not sure where it came from.

My aunt and her friend have big asses: Yours, too? Small world.

I’m gay and my uncle wants me as a sex slave: Again, small world. And possibly wishful thinking on your part.

Ferret down rabbit hole dream gay meaning: It means you’re gay. But you can still visit the website.

Useful

rubens-venus-and-adonis-resized-600What gift can you give for a BBW: For those uninitiated in internet acronyms, BBW stands for Big Beautiful Woman. I suspect it replaced “rubenesque” because people couldn’t spell it. It’s a nice way to say, “sexy fat chick.”

I hate my neighbor: Who doesn’t?

I don’t ride with snitchy niggers: Neither do I. Nobody likes snitches. Excellent policy decision.

WTF???

Squirrel in socks: Odd, but hilarious.

Muslim urine gay Azores sex nude photo blogger: I’m at a complete loss.

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6 thoughts on “Y’all Need Jesus in Your Life

  1. Korean girls doesn’t have big boobs

    I particularly like that not only have you not blogged about either of these things but the specifically bad grammar in that search also brought it up.

    Like

  2. […] Last week’s headline blared “Men videotaped placing Confederate flag on church doorstep.” Two unknown men were captured on surveillance video placing a Confederate flag on the doorstep of Ebenezer Baptist Church, at one time headed by Martin Luther King, in Atlanta, Georgia. From the size of the font used, the story placement on the front page, and the number of exclamation points at the end, this surely had to be the most important news story of my lifetime, and quite possibly since the crucifixion of Jesus. […]

    Like

  3. […] A static encumbered AM radio signal or two would skip off the ionosphere from the mainland 1,500 miles to the east, assuming you had both a radio and electricity to power it, but for most people, evenings were quiet and kerosene hued. This probably helps explain Grandma’s nine pregnancies. That, and strict Catholicism. […]

    Like

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