Being a douchebag never goes completely out of style, but the indicators are subject to the fickle finger of fashion.
Maybe I notice more now that I’ve turned into Walt Kowalski. Perhaps it’s because my daughters are growing old enough to have boyfriends. Either way, my douchebag RADAR, otherwise known as “DoucheDAR,” has become magnificently attuned to identifying douchebaggery from far enough away that I can usually employ countermeasures.
When some unsuspecting teenie-bopper comes sauntering into my backyard while I’m skinning a coon, wielding a chainsaw, or fixing to shoot some skeet, her facial expression usually tells me all I need to know. Boys are a little harder to read, but not by much. For them, I use other visual cues.
Douchebaggery is not limited by gender, age, or socio-economic status. Douchebags come in all flavors. What follows is the top five indicators of douchebag status. I call them “doucheclues.”
Overly complex coffee orders: If your coffee order takes more time to communicate than your phone number, you are entirely too high-maintenance of a person who simply cannot sleep on sheets of less than 800 thread count.
Ordering a tall, fair-trade, half-decaf, soy skim, gluten-free, no-foam latte with exactly three unicorn tears does not increase your Liberal street cred. Damn it, you’re an American. Drink your coffee black. If you have to put stuff in your coffee, either you don’t like coffee in the first place or you’re drinking crappy coffee.
Personally, I like my coffee the same way I like my women…Bitter.
Narrow beard: Not to be confused with a sparse beard. Some men just don’t have the genetics to grow facial hair that would be at home at a mountain man rendezvous. What I’m talking about is the pencil-thin trail of hair along the bottom of the jaw that takes more maintenance than a Bonsai tree.
It doesn’t show that a man “takes care” of himself. It shows that he spends entirely too much time primping in a mirror. Ladies, that’s bathroom time that he’s taking away from you each morning.
My rule of thumb: The narrower the beard, the bigger the douchebag.
Gang signs in photos: Nothing makes me laugh harder than little Willie Wonder Bread being a wigger. At the risk of being labeled a bully, nothing was so fun in my younger days as hauling in an Abercrombie tough guy, and putting him in a cell with the real bad men of the world.
Unless you are a validated gang member on the books of a law enforcement organization, holding up contorted fingers every time someone breaks out a camera doesn’t make you cool, hip, or with it.
The same goes for making duck faces, girls. It’s not alluring. We have sex with you IN SPITE of the duck face, not BECAUSE of it.
Flat-brim baseball caps: For reasons that elude me, the kids have taken to calling them “trucker hats.” I have literally never seen a trucker wear a cap with a flat brim. It was fashionable with cowboy hats for a while, but that’s a different piece of headgear altogether and was thankfully short lived.
I’ll let you in on a secret. The brims are flat when you buy them because that’s the most efficient way to stack them inside the box when they ship from China.
Mohawks: Not the Indians. They’re cool in my book, and definitely not ethnically predisposed to douchebaggery (unlike Portagees). This indicator is two-fold. First is the current trend for motorcyclists to attach a plastic Mohawk along the top of a helmet.
They usually ride the motorcycle equivalent of a souped-up Honda Civic street racer while wearing a protective leather onesie.
Every time I see one of these jokers, I know a dangerous, aggressive, and stupidly unnecessary traffic maneuver will occur while he is still within my sight. Maybe I just attract stupid.
The second aspect of the Mohawk/douchebag paradigm is the little kid wearing one. Go to the grammar school of your choice and watch the kid with the Mohawk. I guarantee he will be the biggest douchebag on the playground. And his parents won’t be much better because they’re the ones that allowed that haircut in the first place.
If I taught grammar school, I’d be profiling the kids on the first day. If the kid had a Mohawk, I’d expect him to be the source of most of my headaches.
Conclusion: If you see yourself on this list, you might have stumbled onto the reason your circle of friends is limited. Parents, teachers, employers, cops, and all manner of people who decide whether or not to make your day easier have a similar list. Unless, you’re dealing with another douchebag, and then all bets are off.
If you see someone you know in this list, perform a douchebag intervention and send them a link. You’ll be doing them a favor and performing a good deed to reduce the amount of douchebaggery in the world.