Top Five Signs You Might be Dealing with a Douchebag

Being a douchebag never goes completely out of style, but the indicators are subject to the fickle finger of fashion.

What are you doing on my lawn, Douchebag?

Maybe I notice more now that I’ve turned into Walt Kowalski. Perhaps it’s because my daughters are growing old enough to have boyfriends. Either way, my douchebag RADAR, otherwise known as “DoucheDAR,” has become magnificently attuned to identifying douchebaggery from far enough away that I can usually employ countermeasures.

When any of the kids bring over a new friend (or God forbid, a love interest), I try to make sure I’m engaged in an ultra-manly activity that is dangerous, gross, or both.

When some unsuspecting teenie-bopper comes sauntering into my backyard while I’m skinning a coon, wielding a chainsaw, or fixing to shoot some skeet, her facial expression usually tells me all I need to know. Boys are a little harder to read, but not by much. For them, I use other visual cues.

Douchebaggery is not limited by gender, age, or socio-economic status. Douchebags come in all flavors. What follows is the top five indicators of douchebag status. I call them “doucheclues.”

Doucheclue #1

Just balck coffee
Just give it to me hot and black.

Overly complex coffee orders: If your coffee order takes more time to communicate than your phone number, you are entirely too high-maintenance of a person who simply cannot sleep on sheets of less than 800 thread count.

Ordering a tall, fair-trade, half-decaf, soy skim, gluten-free, no-foam latte with exactly three unicorn tears does not increase your Liberal street cred. Damn it, you’re an American. Drink your coffee black. If you have to put stuff in your coffee, either you don’t like coffee in the first place or you’re drinking crappy coffee.

Personally, I like my coffee the same way I like my women…Bitter.

Doucheclue #2

douchebag beard
Definitely a douchebag.

Narrow beard: Not to be confused with a sparse beard. Some men just don’t have the genetics to grow facial hair that would be at home at a mountain man rendezvous. What I’m talking about is the pencil-thin trail of hair along the bottom of the jaw that takes more maintenance than a Bonsai tree.

Mountain Man
Most certainly not a douchebag.

It doesn’t show that a man “takes care” of himself. It shows that he spends entirely too much time primping in a mirror. Ladies, that’s bathroom time that he’s taking away from you each morning.

My rule of thumb: The narrower the beard, the bigger the douchebag.

Doucheclue #3

images (16)
It be a Thug Knock Life, yo.

Gang signs in photos: Nothing makes me laugh harder than little Willie Wonder Bread being a wigger. At the risk of being labeled a bully, nothing was so fun in my younger days as hauling in an Abercrombie tough guy, and putting him in a cell with the real bad men of the world.

Unless you are a validated gang member on the books of a law enforcement organization, holding up contorted fingers every time someone breaks out a camera doesn’t make you cool, hip, or with it.

It makes you look like you have cerebral palsy. Knock it off Stephen Hawkins.images (15)

The same goes for making duck faces, girls. It’s not alluring. We have sex with you IN SPITE of the duck face, not BECAUSE of it.

Doucheclue #4

Do I really have to explain this one?

Flat-brim baseball caps: For reasons that elude me, the kids have taken to calling them “trucker hats.” I have literally never seen a trucker wear a cap with a flat brim. It was fashionable with cowboy hats for a while, but that’s a different piece of headgear altogether and was thankfully short lived.

I’ll let you in on a secret. The brims are flat when you buy them because that’s the most efficient way to stack them inside the box when they ship from China.

Doucheclue #5

images (17)
Pretty much what I’d expect.

Mohawks: Not the Indians. They’re cool in my book, and definitely not ethnically predisposed to douchebaggery (unlike Portagees). This indicator is two-fold. First is the current trend for motorcyclists to attach a plastic Mohawk along the top of a helmet.

They usually ride the motorcycle equivalent of a souped-up Honda Civic street racer while wearing a protective leather onesie.

Every time I see one of these jokers, I know a dangerous, aggressive, and stupidly unnecessary traffic maneuver will occur while he is still within my sight. Maybe I just attract stupid.

The second aspect of the Mohawk/douchebag paradigm is the little kid wearing one. Go to the grammar school of your choice and watch the kid with the Mohawk. I guarantee he will be the biggest douchebag on the playground. And his parents won’t be much better because they’re the ones that allowed that haircut in the first (13)

If I taught grammar school, I’d be profiling the kids on the first day. If the kid had a Mohawk, I’d expect him to be the source of most of my headaches.

Conclusion: If you see yourself on this list, you might have stumbled onto the reason your circle of friends is limited. Parents, teachers, employers, cops, and all manner of people who decide whether or not to make your day easier have a similar list. Unless, you’re dealing with another douchebag, and then all bets are off.

If you see someone you know in this list, perform a douchebag intervention and send them a link. You’ll be doing them a favor and performing a good deed to reduce the amount of douchebaggery in the world.


37 thoughts on “Top Five Signs You Might be Dealing with a Douchebag

  1. Marvellous! Your manly pursuits so remind me of my dad. He scared the number 2 out of my sisters future husband one night. They got home and parked up next door which happened to be the the back entrance to my folk’s business. Dad had big chillers freshly stocked with oysters and thought he was being robbed. Charged out in his singlet and y front baggy undies ( rather foolishly) with a big axe handle screaming “call the police jude” rounded the corner to find daughter and bf necking in the car. Whooops. Not sure what it took the poor lad longer to get over, the threat of assault or my old maman’s undies.

    Liked by 1 person

    • This sounds perfectly normal. Whatever you have on at the moment is what you wear to the fight.
      I once found myself directing the police toward a fleeing suspect that had run through my backyard and was hiding in my neighbor’s shed. It was 3am, and luckily for everyone involved, I had decided to wear boxer shorts (complete with a flame pattern) to bed that night instead of my usual “au natural.”
      Imagine a naked and heavily tattooed Paul Bunyan pointing wildly and yelling at a group of cops, “He went that way. Send the damn dog.”
      Thanks for coming by and please visit whenever you like. I appreciate each visitor.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I’m still laughing! Great one. I think you forgot one though. Saggy pants. The ones who wear them with the waist around their knees. The ones who struggle to walk because they have to bend over to hold on to their pants. You can spot them from a mile away, at least. Thanks for the laugh!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Ha ha too funny. I would like to add on to your #1 rule. I used to work at the coffee place you reference and this guy would come in and order a grande latte (easy enough and he’d say it in a neutral American accent) then he’d be like and can I get a croissant but he’d say the pastry like is was French! Come on!!!! I think that’s the double douche-baggery.

    Liked by 1 person

    • A “Qwa-Saa”?
      I swear I saw Goldie Hawn do the same thing in Bird on a Wire.
      Wait a minute. Isn’t “latte” a French word, too? Why do pastries rate the fake accent, but not the coffee?
      Thanks for visiting.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Lol…kinda true. Actually latte is Italian. But this guy, the rest of his order was with an american accent (he’d order other stuff like a cheese danish and a mocha etc.) and then came as you say the ‘qua-saa’ lol *shakes head*

        Liked by 1 person

  4. Hahaha excellent I’m now a believer. Oh and coffee, ewwww. Hot coco with whip cream (however much the add is fine from a dab to a mountain. 🙂
    Peace from your new follower Michelle

    Add one more to the list.
    Text or leet speak in written communication. The word is not U it’s you, not ur it’s you are or you’re, not 2 it’s to or too or two. You get the picture though. 😀

    Liked by 1 person

  5. […] If there was some sort of international symbol for retarded, the kid could wear a lapel pin to clue in jackasses like me to take it easy on him. But if his mamma doesn’t want people to treat him different from anybody else, he’s going to have to take his lumps once in a while. Sorry, Corky. I thought you had the Stifler haircut and expression because you’re a douche-bag. […]


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