According to ISIS My Wife and Daughters are Worth $368.05

slave market
This Could be in Everyone’s Future

The Islamic State has issued a guidance pamphlet for proper treatment of female slaves (The Charlie Hebdo terror attack is nothing new).  Behold the future should these animals achieve their goal of a worldwide caliphate.  I don’t quite understand why the modifier “female” is attached to the term slave in the pamphlet, since in practice ISIS (or ISIL or IS or whatever these barbarians are called this month) murder all the males as a matter of policy.  They could save themselves an entire word by presuming all slaves are female because from all the reports I’ve read there are no male slaves.  They make reference to male slaves here and there in the pamphlet, but ISIS doesn’t seem to be taking any of those.  Perhaps there isn’t a demand, yet.  Either way, I think we need to get a class action lawsuit together.  I demand my right to be taken into sexual slavery, too.  Wait a minute…

Now, in fairness to these bringers of the religion of peace, there does seem to be another line of thought when it comes to establishing the longed for caliphate; conversion, submission through dhimmitude, or death.  There are reports of women being allowed to convert to Islam and then be sold to a Jihadi fighter, but that still smacks of slavery to me, so ISIS does not seem to put much effort into preserving the spirit of conversion.  The basic pattern seems to be kill all the males and enslave all the females whom are still alive.  I can’t find anything on what exactly happens to males under the age of…oh, call it twelve.

Having witnessed the Islamic penchant for buggering young boys, this is something I would like clarified.  Does ISIS have a FAQ on their website?

“Questions and Answers on Taking Captives and Slaves” No Kidding. This is What it Looks Like

As luck would have it, they do have one.  A FAQ, I mean.  I can only guess whether they have a website, as I’m afraid to even have that show up on my web-search history.  On December 3, 2104, ISIS’s Research and Fatwa Department (who knew they were this organized?) issued a pamphlet helpfully titled “Questions and Answers on Taking Captives and Slaves.”  It is twenty-seven helpful Q&As designed to keep slave owning Jihadis in the good graces of Allah.

As a public service to my loyal readers, here are some of the question highlights, the short answers, and my own annotations:

Question 3:  Can all unbelieving women be taken captive?  The short answer:  Any non-Muslim woman (except an apostate) can be taken as a slave.  I’m a little surprised about the “apostate” part, but I wonder how closely they follow this.  These assholes can usually justify anything.

Question 6:  Is it permissible to sell a female captive?  The short answer:  Yes.  No kidding?  It makes sense.  What is a successful Jihadi to do with all the slaves he captures?  There is a limit to the number you need or can provide for.  Why, sell them of course.  Keep this in mind.  It will become important later.

Question 7:  Is it permissible to separate a mother from her children through the act of buying and selling?  Short answer:  Yes, as long as the children are not pubescent.  Well, that’s mighty big of them to let a mother keep her prepubescent child with her so they can be beaten, starved, and raped to death by the same man.  As far as mother-daughter bonding experiences go, I’ll bet that’s right up there with having a spa day together.

Question 8:  If two or more men buy a female captive together, does she then become sexually permissible to each of them?  Short answer:  No.  For all the horrors ISIS encourages, they draw the line at divided ownership interest of sex slaves.  Actually, I’m twisting the answer a bit.  More accurately, you have to have clear title to rape her.

I wonder how that works if you had to finance your pre-owned slave purchase on approved credit.

Question 11:  May a man have intercourse with the female slave of his wife?  Short answer:  No.  But only because the slave is owned by someone else.  That hit me from left field.  ISIS believes women can own property?  Does this require a pre-nup?  What if you purchased your slave after the marriage and with money from a joint account?  You would think the slave would be considered community property.  Then again, maybe that triggers Question 8.

Question 13:  Is it permissible to have intercourse with a female slave who has not reached puberty?  There is no short answer:  “It is permissible to have intercourse with the female slave who hasn’t reached puberty if she is fit for intercourse; however, if she is not fit for intercourse, then it is enough to enjoy her without intercourse.”  I quoted that one directly.  Its effect is far more chilling than any smart-ass remark I could make…I can only imagine what “enjoyment without intercourse” entails.

Question 16:  Can two sisters be taken together while taking slaves?  Short answer:  Yes, but they can’t be together during intercourse and you can only rape one of them.  So, I guess you just have to pick the one you like best.  There goes all the sister-threesome fantasies.  ISIS says you can’t.  And on that second part about only being able to rape one of them.  How is that decision made?  That’s a lot of pressure.  Are test drives allowed?  There could be a lot of buyer’s remorse.

Question 19:  Is it permissible to beat a female slave?  Short answer:  Only for discipline.  Apparently, these enlightened modern-day slavers do possess a sense of morality.  You can’t beat your slave to break her spirit (which makes sense, since if it hasn’t been broken already, nothing will do the job and you’re wasting your time), for torture, or for “achieving gratification.”

There goes Allah taking all the fun out of life, again.  Pillage and rape just aren’t satisfying enough without a good slave beating.

And by the way, you can’t hit her in the face, so she can take comfort in that.

Question 27:  What is the reward for freeing a slave girl?  Short answer:  You get into heaven.  Well, technically is says, “…frees every organ of his body from hellfire.”  I guess that isn’t exactly getting into heaven, but it definitely says you will not be going to hell.  Unless there is a third option nobody has told me about, that reads like a free pass to me.

Coming to a Town Near You

I purposely left out the confusing parts such as questions regarding permissibly of marrying a Muslim slave (Answer:  Only if you fear you will commit the sin of fornication) not because they aren’t hilarious, but because they are confusing.  Asking a question regarding a Muslim slave makes me think there is such a thing as a Muslim slave.  However, the first three questions pretty clearly implied you can’t take a Muslim as a slave.  It must be the “bad Muslims” taking other Muslims as slaves, but as long as you are three purchases/sales removed from the original enslavement, it might be OK to only rape her on Mondays and every other Saturday.

These deranged hypocrites will engage in rhetorical gymnastics that put Cirque de Soleil to shame in order to justify their lunacy.

Now that you are edified on the technicalities of owning another human being (You’re welcome), the next logical question you might have is “Where can I get me one of them slave girls?”  Well, you are in luck.  I happen to know where one is located.  Actually, several hundred.

Tucked away in a quaint enclave of Mosul, Iraq is a secret prison that holds hundreds of Yazidi women taken by ISIS after being driven from their town and trapped on Mount Sinjar where they were abandoned to their fate by the rest of the entire world, who knew exactly what was happening.  Reliable news reports are calling it a secret prison, but exactly how secret can it be when they are using it as a slave market?

Always Sneakers. Never Proper Boots. Why?

Yes, you heard that right.  The Saracen is up to his old tricks again.  The same tricks that were part of the impetus for The Crusades and later for Thomas Jefferson to send the Marines against the Barbary Pirates.  Oh, and don’t forget what’s been going in Darfur for twenty years.  Do what you like with this information.  Just don’t believe for an instant these guys are anything less than monsters in black man-jammies and new Nikes.

I have trouble believing ISIS only has one of these slave markets.  They are well organized enough to take over virtually all of two pretty powerful Middle East nations and make significant inroads into several others.  If they haven’t started already, they are on the verge of printing their own currency.  Technically, I should say “minting their own specie,” since we are talking coins of precious and semi-precious metals, but I won’t dwell on the differences.

They are selling oil on the world market and establishing civil services and infrastructure in the areas they control.  They have extortion and protection rackets, kidnapping for ransom projects, roadside and taxi shakedowns, and a tidy little side business selling stolen antiquities.

ISIS is organized and has a vision.  If the slave market in Mosul really is the only one, it’s only a matter of time before there are more in other conquered areas and very likely a network capable of transporting captives as efficiently as an inter-library book loan program.

It’s terribly inconvenient to have to travel all the way to Mosul to purchase a slave girl.  These Jihadi have holy war to wage.  They need a local Slaves R Us franchise.

There seems to rough price list for these slaves:

  • Woman aged 40 to 50:  50,000 dinars  ($43.30)
  • Woman aged 30 to 40:  75,000 dinars  ($64.95)
  • Woman aged 20 to 30:  100,000 dinars  ($86.60)
  • Girl aged 10 to 20:  150,000 dinars  ($129.90)
  • Child under age 9:  200,000 dinars  ($173.20)

You can see the pattern of price progression pretty clearly.  I don’t know what the price would be for a woman over fifty.  Are there any in this slave market?  Maybe the slavers throw one in like a Ford dealership adds a free undercoating for a new car “to make the deal.”  Perhaps, they just kill them.  I guess AARP membership isn’t such a great thing after all.  At least, not in this situation.  Personally, I don’t see where the labor from a nine-year-old would justify the price difference from the next age category up.

Oh, wait.  That’s right.  They’re fucking these children.  Or, selling them to someone else who will.  Now, it makes sense.

Exactly how volatile the pricing will become likely is a matter of supply and demand.  I also wonder if this is an average price paid or if it is like the old Saturn dealerships where there was one set price.  Call me a racist if you like, but the stereotype of merchants in a Middle Eastern bazaar haggling like mad was not conjured out of thin air.  I’ve been to places like that.  There is always room to argue over price.  Besides, this price list makes no mention of special skills, physical attributes, or condition of the merchandise.  An awful lot of wear and tear can occur over the course of a decade.  Haven’t you ever heard of “highway miles versus city miles“?

Just for giggles, I decided to violate my “No Math” policy and delve into the sublimely macabre.

How much would the females that make up my household be worth at the slave market?

What price would my wife and two daughters fetch for some entrepreneurial Jihadi once ISIS makes it to the United States?  We have to make several assumptions that may or may not hold up in the event this scenario comes to pass.  There is only the one price list, so far as we know.  These are prices in Mosul, Iraq.  There is also a currency conversion problem.  Also, I wonder if there will be any sort of premium for white and/or American women.  For all I know, there would be a discount.  I assume there is no quantity discount, for the sake of simplicity.

child slaves
Are Those Your Daughters or Mine?

Based on the very rough information available to me today, I imagine my wife and two daughters would fetch $368.05 based on today’s conversion rate of dinar to US dollars.  I wonder if there is a futures market play that can be made on that.  Of course, this is also after I and my sons are knelt down in my front yard (Assuming the HOA approves) and have our heads sawed off with the Buck hunting knife my wife bought me for Christmas.  That will teach her not to like practical gifts.

Anyway, I invite everyone reading this to play the game along with me.  Take the number of females in yours household, find each of their age category, and calculate the amount the lot of them would garner at auction.  Then put the number in the comments section.


33 thoughts on “According to ISIS My Wife and Daughters are Worth $368.05

  1. 389.70 Wow, I can’t even pay my rent for the week with that. Shit ain’t worth selling me and the girls for that amount of money… Even the hubby says, you and the girls are worth at least 100,000 times more than that… Gotta love a man who knows exactly what to say!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Two cute daughters for $259.80. BUT the mother here is chasing 50 pretty hard and has wear and tear on her. Lost some parts on a cancer run and the bumper hangs low. The seats don’t have much bounce anymore and there’s lots of backfiring out the tailpipe most days as well. I don’t think you’d get much on a trade in there.


  3. $259.80

    Clearly ISIS isn’t selling in the right markets as they could fetch a much higher price if they put some effort into it. Then again, maybe the religion of peace is all about fair prices and not being evil by going peoples wallets. I mean, they’d probably feel bad if they put someone into debt.


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