Since it’s Labor Day, here is a quick roundup of labors I would have to be really hard up to perform. I’m not saying I’m too proud or to good to do any of them. Neither of those concepts should exist in anyone’s mind, and I have had some nasty jobs in the past.
Jobs I would be loathe to take
1. Pet food taster This actually exists. Think about it. Fluffy and Fido won’t fill out a comment card. I’ve tasted dog food before, both dry and wet, but I can’t bring myself to eat cat food. Too smelly.
2. Snake milker Even though there are photos floating around of my brother and I at about twelve and ten years old handling a snake we caught while fishing, I don’t think I would be quite so bold now that I’m approaching forty and have kids of my own that age. What the hell were my parents thinking? They took the photos. Mom and Dad, what made that seem like a good idea?
3. Any sort of beer, wine, or liquor tester I wouldn’t want this job on moral grounds. They spit it out after tasting! That is a waste of good whiskey and should not be tolerated.
4. Politician Aside from the fact that my closet has more skeletons than a Mexican Day of the Dead parade and my first Executive Order would be to hang every registered Democrat, I just completely lack the ability to schmooze people who make my ass twitch.
5. Veterinary Assistant This wouldn’t be horrible, except for the days when I might have to circumcise the elephants. But those days would make up for the lousy pay because of the huge tips.
Get it? Thank you, I’m here all week.