Four Can’t-Miss-Gifts Men Welcome From Stalkers


Any secret admirer worth her salt would have the foresight to do some research about me to discover I’m not really a flowers kind of guy.  Now, don’t get me wrong.  I like flowers just fine, but I prefer more practical types of gifts that differ from women’s sensibilities.  So for anyone interested in admiring me from afar, up close, the next house over, or standing outside my living room window at night with a machete in one hand and a squeeze bottle of Miracle Whip in the other while lightening creates a creepy silhouette, here are some gift ideas for me (or one of the men in your life):

Tools:  A man without an assortment of easily accessible tools considers himself slightly less of a man.  The first step to modern man was Homo Habilis.  The Tool Man, or Handy Man depending on which scientist you ask, was the first of our ancestors to use implements to make life easier.

Shortly after discovering tools, I suspect Mrs. Habilis started writing out the first Honey-Do List, and weekends have never been the same.  Modern man continues with the innate desire to fix things.  That’s why men like profoundly flawed women.  However, that might be better left for another post.

In my garage, I have no fewer than two dozen hammers.  I don’t blacksmith as a hobby, which by the way requires a huge number of specialized hammers.  Neither do I collect antique hammers.  I have accumulated specialized hammers for different applications.  You don’t frame a house with an upholstery hammer or the other way around.  And don’t even get started on how many sets of screwdrivers I have.

If you want affection requited, the way to my heart leads through the Tool Corral at your local hardware store.

Firearms and accessories:  I am a Gun Guy.  Or as a friend of mine once called me, a Gun Queer.  I wear the title proudly, even though the entry on Urban Dictionary is derogatory.  Whomever wrote that definition can screw off.  I’m changing the definition starting right here, and I proudly say that I’m gay for guns.

If my secret stalker is afraid of gifting me a duplicate or concerned about getting something I don’t like, ammunition in any of the common calibers is always a good choice.  It says, “I’m not exactly sure your tastes and preferences, but I get you on a deep emotional level.”  It’s far more personal and heartfelt than a gift certificate.  Even if it’s a caliber I don’t have, it’s a good excuse to make another gun purchase or to use for barter.  Either way: Mission Accomplished!

Liquor:  I presume my Secret Sweetie will have designs to advance the relationship past the one-way gift giving stage.  Possibly move to gazing adoringly at me while I bloviate on all manner of topic.  If she turns out to be a stalker of the succubus variety and desires the relationship to be less than platonic, liquoring me up is always a good start.  But I’m pretty sure I’d have to run that one by my wife first.  She can be a little possessive.

Whatever her level of infatuation, Scotch is my favorite libation.  Not just any Scotch, mind you.  I am a single malt man.  You can keep that blended stuff.  The exception being Johnny Walker.  Red Label is fine.  Going to Black Label isn’t worth the price jump.  Green and Silver are excellent.  However, finding a bottle of Blue on the porch would induce me to leave the front door unlocked for you.

As a guide to Scotch purchases, my preferred brands are difficult to pronounce and will deplete your bank account as fast as a bad cocaine habit.  Be warned.

Sausage and cheese combo packs:  My wife scoffed at these until I explained.  For those who don’t know what these are, you see them in front of checkout registers starting about Thanksgiving every year.  Those packages of assorted dry cured sausages and various cheeses.  The really fancy ones have tiny little jars of assorted mustards and crackers (and for the adventurous, chutneys).  I scream like a little girl who discovered a spider in her underwear drawer when I receive one of these.

These are the perfect gift for the man who has everything or if selecting from one of the above four categories still makes you nervous.  How better to say “I love you the way you are and don’t mind if you get a little chubby”?

Maybe that was a poor choice of words.

You can’t ever have too many of these combo packs around.  They keep just about forever, and have protein and calcium without too many carbs in the crackers.  As a quick meal for the gentleman on the go or a bachelor sitting in front of the boob-tube in his boxers who doesn’t feel like cooking and can’t order take-out because pay day isn’t until Friday, these combo packs are better than a supply of Meals Ready to Eat stashed in the basement.

I have instructed my wife to keep a supply of these somewhere in the house for those times when we need a last minute gift for a man.  However, she has to hide them because I will ferret them out like a…well, like a ferret down a rabbit hole.

That’s it, ladies (or men.  I’m not picky when on the receiving end….damn, another bad word choice).  A guide to buying gifts that will make any man think you’re the coolest chick he knows.

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