5 Gifts to Never Give Your Wife (But I Thought You’d Like it)

Today’s Daily Prompt is about second opinions.  Specifically, situations where I do not trust my own judgment.  I have a long history of making bad decisions, but where I offend the worst is gift giving.  So as a service to all men, here are the top five things NOT to give the woman in your life as a gift.

Each of these gifts sends a message, and not the one we intend.  I have violated all of them at one time or another and suffered the consequences for it each time.

1.  Vacuum:  It doesn’t matter how fancy it is or how many attachments that sucker has or that it will drag the cat across the carpet from the next room.  A vacuum is a terrible gift idea.  You would giggle like a school girl leaning up against a water jet in the pool to receive a new Shop Vac, but that’s not how women think.  You just told her the house isn’t clean enough.

The year I gave my wife a vacuum for Christmas, she didn’t talk to me for a week.  Or do my laundry.  Or make my lunches.  The kids had theirs done, but not me.  A very hard lesson learned.

2.  Anything that belongs in the kitchen:  Much like the vacuum, gifting a set of pans sends the message that you don’t think she cooks enough.  Or worse yet, her cooking needs improvement that will be imparted by new cookware.  The only exception I have found is if she specifically requests some super-expensive knife set or china pattern.  Even then, you are playing with fire and would be best served to move on.

3.  Anything from Bath and Body Works:  I’ve seen the look on a woman’s face when she opens a bag containing a sampling of every bath salt on display in the store.  She’s confused until the mingled aroma of jasmine, watermelon, and beaver castor hits her full in the face.  Then she gags a little.  Clearly, she presumed the little brown paper baggies contained semiprecious gem stones.  Oh, how wrong she is.  And how wrong you will be to think you can live down sending the message you think she smells bad.

On a side note, the initials of that store spell “BBW.”  So you get a two-fer on this one.  She smells bad and is fat.  There will be a lot of cold, icy stares and uncomfortable questions at your house this Christmas for violating number three.  It’s similar to black folk calling each other “nigger.”  She can call herself that all she likes; you can’t.  It’s that simple.

4.  Elliptical:  Or any sort of exercise equipment, for that matter.  I don’t care how much Suzanne Sommers or Richard Simmons says your Honey-kins will love sweating to the oldies or cracking walnuts with her thighs.  The best that will happen is she will smile gracefully, make you put it together, use it for a couple of weeks, and then it will sit in the corner unused except by the cat and the occasional guest as a coat rack.

Any exercise equipment you give her will send the worst message possible; that she is fat and you don’t find her attractive.  You will not dig yourself out of that hole for a very long time, gentlemen.

5.  Tennis bracelet:  All the jewelry store ads tell us that women love jewelry.  It fixes all problems in life, and that is true to a point.  However, there is one particular piece of jewelry you should steer clear from; the tennis bracelet.  Somewhere in history, the tennis bracelet got a bad wrap as what philandering men give the women in their lives.  Even the most trustworthy and faithful man will be placing himself under suspicion when his woman opens that little velvet box to find the dreaded tennis bracelet.  You might as well hand her the business card for a private eye.

Besides, everyone knows you give the mistress a diamond tennis bracelet.  It’s a severance package of sorts.  A form of “golden parachute,” if you will.

.Those are my top five gifts not to give your wife or girlfriend.  Ignore them if you like.  It’s your funeral.

If you have your own personal favorites to add, leave a comment below.  If I get enough, maybe it will become a Public Service Announcement post.  Besides, I need all the help I can get in not fouling up the gift giving.


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